Where wild minds come to rest
I just went through probably a two week period of barely DDing. I'm sure this is absolutely normal for all my life I just never noticed it. Just until months ago when I found this site did I ever begin to notice the cycle or lack thereof of one that can be attached to my DDing.
I definitely do not DD all the time. I might not even do it daily but I think sometimes I do it by habit fleetingly and so I don't even register that it happens sometimes. I DO think that I usually always DD before I drift to sleep or I cannot sleep. But I noticed the last couple weeks I had no desire to DD but I did thinking about a scene - a restful scene - before passing out. So it's not absolutely absent. But I don't think I gave it much thought at all. Just a slight recognition.
What was different about the last two weeks? Exhaustion. Busy. Depression. Anxiety. Really into the middle till the end of my current book I was reading.
Then 3 days ago it just sparked again. However, it's not my other "story" but another one I pull out of reserves when the mood strikes.
I even began typing it down just like I was the other before.
When I do not desire to DD I feel really bad about it. I don't know why. I feel not as happy. I miss the feeling of SOMETHING giving me some sort of peace and joy. I feel empty.
When I do DD I want to do nothing as much as I DD. I just want to live in my DD.
I never realized how much it impacts my life until I began to keep this journal here about it. Or just paying any mind to it this way at all.
It shows I have more of a "problem" than I ever imagined. I think it truly is the reason I'm a hermit. Why I burn out so easily as a mother. A parent. I think it explains so so much more than I'm even admitting right now.
I am not even sure how to go about it right now. What is best. What I'd even do to change anything. I just know that one way or another DDing is most likely a root of my unhappiness overall in life. Or is a symptom OF my unhappiness.
Pretty much I realize I want to not do it anymore. And I want to NOT WANT to do it anymore. But I do not really believe this is something that is possible. Hmmm.