Where wild minds come to rest
It couldn't escape my head until up to now. I do have a sexy friend, she's Indian, who thinks I'm beautiful and perfect as she sees me. Yet, I can't seem to connect with just about anyone else. I have high functioning asperger syndrome, but also I have a very special mind—an imaginative mind. A mind that excessively day dreams on ongoing moments.
This and AS both impairs my ability to drive—but also interact properly with other people, causing many to dislike me as a person. Let's be blunt, most people find my very weird. They see I appear all 'turned off' from the world. They notice that I almost never speak at all. Also, they get very uptight whenever I do no listen to their words. Their reactions are often unpleasant, makes me feel uneasy each time, though, it frustrates me that I cannot neurologically indicate how their feeling. At one time, this 'broke my heart' that I could not make friends because of how bad my communication has been, but also, how wondering off into unreal worlds only made it even worse. I also got very disturbed at the idea that my entire future will look just the same—facing people who get all condescending towards me in ways I can't imagine, because I can't speak well, also their words just run out the other ear—meanwhile being made fun of for never connecting and making good friends, for everyone can clearly see 'I have all these issues.'
As I got older over the years, seeing the whole big pictures gets clearer and clearer in my mind. Now in my 30's, I do understand what people are getting at and how they really see me. However, I am still so frustrated as to why I look physically so fantastic, am highly intelligent, talented and gifted, yet I still can't find anybody who wants to date me! I understand people get dissuaded once they find out how quiet I really am. When you don't talk much—it makes all the difference in the world! People will see a person from their personality—not so much their face. Though, people who do MDD tend to forget this fact, as they're minds are washed up in their dreams. They lack this judgment when they are not fully awake and clear minded to notice how people are judging them from the outside in the realistic world.
In my 20's, being depraved of relationships and unsuccessful in a career has put me down. This reflected a lot in my face, so all people saw was that I was a unconfident and negative person—but also, it bugged them that 'my eyes' made me appear in a far away place. So basically, I never attracted anyone's attention this way! Also some people at my work places clicked in that my attention span was damper because of daydreaming—and it didn't look good. I ultimately got a face full and then got terminated—just as someone who comes to work drunk. Nowadays, I am self-employed and will be for a very long time.
Good thing is, these days, I am now a very positive, upbeat and confident person who will not let anything bring me down. Though, I will still get discouraged at times—especially when my communication skills are dwindling. My mom tends to reflect her frustrations in her attitudes towards me at home. Hopefully, I will meet a person around me age, maybe even a group of people, who will like and accept me for who I am. I will find peace, happiness and unity among these people.