Where wild minds come to rest
Recently I have been in a very bad place. I have become obsessed with trying to stop daydreaming, all i desire is to daydream yet at the same time i desperately wish to stop. I am at war with myself.
At this moment in time I am in my student house, where I live with my 'friends'. Locked in my bedroom, in the dark, crying. I have been crying all day. I havent eaten a thing all day and I am starving, I feel sick, I have a terrible headache possibly caused by the small amount of mdma I stupidly took last night. I have a hangover. I have an essay due in at uni tomorrow and I have yet to start it. I can't. I can't concentrate. I can't focus to read. I am a mess. I am not going to write my essay. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I have not md'd fora few days now, waking up every morning to reality is unbearable.
Yesterday, me and my dad went to see a counsellor at uni. It was awful and upsetting talking about MD. I used to think that if i never told anyone about my md it was as good as not real. I have now told my dad and my best friend. It was hard to talk about my md to the counsellor, I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. Each time i tell someone it becomes more real. Now that I have told these people there is no going back, I'm glad, but for now I am so depressed. Telling people has made me realise how big of a deal md is. The reactions i have had surprised and made me happy, shocked to see that they cared, happy to see how concerned they were.
The counsellor told me that a big part of getting better is telling friends and family, which i can understand, i think about how they would treat me differently, i used to be afraid to tell anyone about my md because they would think i was crazy and treat me different, but i think about how much better i feel around the few people i have told. I feel less alone, i dont have to constantly put on an act, lie about everything in attempt to make them think i am normal, i dont have to pretend to be happy. I need to tell my friends. but i dont know how..and im scared, as soon as i tell them, it's real.
Tomorrow I am having a 45 minutes pre arranged phonecall with a psychiatrist. And then another meeting with a counsellor in the afternoon. Followed by my first official counselling session on thursday. Since seeing the counsellor everything feels worse, I feel weak and scared, I cry day and night. I know that the next few months are going to be hard, I am going to have to leave behind my md world, something that has been my whole world for as long as i can remember is going to be taken away, im scared about who i will be in the real world. I know I am going to fail this year of uni.
MD is becoming a part of my real life, my real life has become about ridding myself of md. There is no going back