Where wild minds come to rest
i'm so so glad i found this forum. i identified myself as an MDer when i was in 8th grade i think, although i've been like this for most of my life (i'm 18 now).
maybe someone can relate to this. my daydreams usually involve me and some other person or group of people spending time together. sometimes they love me and compliment me and sort of enhance my reality; if i'm doing anything alone (which i usually am because i don't have friends i see often), it can be nice to imagine other people with you who you can laugh with and talk to. but now it's gone completely out of my control. i feel like someone is around me even when i don't want. i have no control over when they show up or what they think of me. so when i'm alone, i can't do anything embarassing or weird because i just can't shake the delusion that i'm being watched. i don't genuinely think there
are people watching me, i just can't for the life of me stop imagining it.
many times throughout the day, i'll be unable to move for up to an hour because i'm too afraid of their judgments :(( and literally
all day, i can't do what i truly want to do. like i won't listen to the type of music i want to listen to or exercise or sing anymore because i'm afraid the people watching me would think it's lame. this is what i go through all day, every day. i'm using no exaggeration when i say it's ruining my life; i'm clinically depressed already and these people watching me just magnify the self-hatred and shame i feel.
i've scoured the internet searching for people talking about same thing, and i've found a few threads on forums and things where people talk about imagining being watched to impress someone in their head, but i don't know that it gets this serious for most people.