Where wild minds come to rest
These days I realized that I've been feeling anxious and plain paranoid in situations that I shouldn't be feeling these things in the first place. I haven't hung out with one of my bestfriends for a long time since she does have a lot of work this semester. But today is my mom's birthday and yesterday last minute I planned to make cake for her and surprise her at 12. So I called my friend last minute, somehow convinced my mom to let me go at night to her house. And that's where I made the mistake. I should've just made cake on my own but I wanted to spend time with her too. But what happened yesterday was that I realized that I get anxious while doing things in front of people, I mess up, I fear even asking a simple question and I just get paranoid. That usually happens when I'm working with strong personalities, people who has judged me before, or people who I feel inferior to before as they can easily dominate me. I end up making myself look like a complete fool and in the end I feel so stupid. Like yesterday, although it was my mom's cake, my friend ended up doing most of the work and I just felt horrible. But I realized that I get completely anxious and paranoid in front of people and that shouldn't be the case with my closest friends. I should be more comfortable with her at least. Does that happen to any of you? I do indentify as a highly sensitive person and an HSP usually is way more careful and extremely cautious in front of people. But in my case, if I were ever an outsider looking at the way I act in certain situations, I would think I'm a retard. My anxiety is so bad that sometimes when me and my friends are reading something, I'd take a really long time to finish because a thousand thoughts occur in my head and I'll just be afraid of zoning out, not reading fast enough and make myself look like a total fool. I mean if I could I would change it, I personally think you should never care about what others will think about you but I can't. I'm self-conscious all the time. Even when I was little, I remember my friends and I used to skip(not with a skipping rope) and when one of them would ask me to skip, I wouldn't be able to do it. But when I was alone, I would do it perfectly. This goes for everything else as well. In school, I never finish any of my work. I always work on everything at home. Does this happen to any of you guys?