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I wrote this as I don't know whether I had to kept it or not... But here we go.

So after the incident in village ended, I met my ex-crush. Well as usual our relationship was emerging then fell off when he start to brushoff every convo that I start it first. I know it's already happened many times. I still felt care for him because he doesn't have friends. I even don't know if I really fell in love, or I only felt pity, or I just don't have something to argue with.

I realized I may only may took a pity. Because I don't want people to suffer coz they don't have friends. But no matter what I do to help them, seems finally what I did backfired on me.

The first time I help one girl who being avoided by always beside her until she had another friend. Later she start to dominate my movement and always threat to left me behind, which I felt uncomfortable. I left her, but too late. She trash talk to everyone and my classmates avoided me forever. Even people whom I called "best friends". I learned my mistake by learn everyone's past first before help them. Some are just a jerk, ya know. And she's one of them since kid.

The second time to a boy who gossiped that he went to psychiatrist because always bullied in school. I don't know if he was bullied  long time ago because we're in different building class, so when I knew, I tried to communicate with him. Unfortunately he don't respond, instead he kept getting closer with people who was once bullied him. Even I heard that he angry with me because I only care to him when he was in psychiatrist. It's hurt me really, and I learn my mistake by always watching all people by far away before help them.

The third one is a friend from different class but same school club. He was the only male in the club, so I try to gain his confidence. He usually talk first when we were friends, but after he comfortable with the school club and get along with female friends, he just later left me. The female girls too. Again, I was alone. I once learned that I have to risk everything and let it go when something happens.

The fourth and last one is my ex-crush. Avoided by his arrogance, and learned his dark past. I tried to touch his heart, and seems worked. I wish that he don't act too much back then. But well we never knew people's heart, and he was same like the first case. The different, he cannot trash talk to anyone because people still dislike him. But he knew my secret (because one day I ever accidentally confess something to my best friend and he was there) and will leak it to classmate, or my parent. Once again I'm trapped. But not for long time after graduate from high school, we never met each other again and I can leave him.

Still I felt pity that time, dunno why. Is it because there's no guy who want to get close to me like he did before?

Until first week of March, we argued again. It's the last one, which I really relieved. Besides later I knew he had 'friends' in college club, so I never took a pity anymore.

Yet I realized some of my dds are based on those bad experiences. Mostly in my current dd Stories of Wizards. My old dd Dark Tears weren't contain those because I remember I create that dd as escapement, so the stories always about good relationship without intense betrayal. Later in Stories of Wizards, there are so much betrayal either past or present. Unlike in real life which I couldn't do any revenge, my dd will contain revenge in each betrayal. I thought this was another escapement for my revenge, too. Cannot really 'let it go' as each lesson from mistake are collide.

One thing that I learned now, no matter my dd tried to cope my sadness by make it always happy ending, I may unconsciously create dd with same story but with some spice so it's not contain 'just let it go'.

And those people affected my dd too, at last.

Sorry for talking too much. I hope someone could give me advice what should I do. Because I'm afraid if I take a wrong step again when it comes to helping someone that will I call a 'friend'.

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Comment by Source on June 29, 2016 at 4:23am
@Vendela Collins DD stands for daydreaming/daydream, MDD stands for maladaptive daydreaming. Some nice abbreviations we use to avoid having to write miles of text.
Comment by Vendela Collins on June 28, 2016 at 9:03pm

What does DD mean?

Comment by Source on June 25, 2016 at 9:20am
I don't think you'll find the meaning of Tahrovin, it's something I defined myself.
I also forgot to mention that while those measures will help mitigating the risk of finding a knife in your back, they only work by completely invalidating trust. It's a sad thing to always be forced to double-check everything, and I hope you won't have to do it forever.
Comment by Fitri Kamelia on June 25, 2016 at 9:06am

@Source thanks for the advice, really. I admit to myself I was too believing on everything. I'm on dilemma too, for being suspicious was count as sin, yet I knew too that sometimes you have to be wary on anyone. and yes, investigating through someone is difficult, but worth it once could find it.

the last advice was good too (though I have to google first what is Tahrovin, really .__.), as sometimes I still hope for return. Maybe being independent is really the best to avoid those cases, no matter people want me to depend/rely on them.

Comment by Source on June 25, 2016 at 8:47am

When you're interacting with someone, listen and watch carefully. Collect information about that person from multiple sources and make sure that information is not manipulated. While you "investigate", always remember that secrecy is paramount, if you're exposed it'll become more difficult. If you find conflicting information, it means that person is either acting or keeping secrets.
Take nothing for granted, ever. Tahrovin could be anyone.

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