An actual introduction like I promised

[Silverfish]

Oh boy, where to begin...

Well I suppose I'll start with the basics.

I'm Silverfish if you haven't guessed.   Silverfishes are these odd little insects that are very cute.  I'm an alright person, my favorite color is yellow or green, and I like to read.  I'm here like many others are here, seeking out answers or at the very least a community where I can perhaps find answers.  I, however, am here for a somewhat bizarre reason.  I'm here to see if I can "re-enter" myself. 

In other words, I'm seeking a road back to my place. 

It's a long story, but I'll try to paraphrase it.

Once upon a time, I was perfectly content.  My fantasies were helping me more than ever.  For the first time, I was actually competent, confident, able to cope, and a whole host of things that I wasn't before.  For once in my life, my depression lifted like a veil.  I had a future and a purpose and nothing, I thought, could bring me back down. 

Now, we all know this story well enough to know that this doesn't end well.  At some point I went down to Texas with my family to visit my grandmother.  On our way back, we stopped by a spiritual healer.  We'd had seen him before and hadn't seen him for at least a year.  I was never really fond of him and I'm especially not after what he did that visit.  I had obliged to get cleansed to keep my mother from losing her mind.  He does his thing, I tolerate it like I usually do.

At some point he asks me if I daydream.  As someone very protective of the things I care about, I tell him no.  He finishes his cleansing and says I had however many spirits inside of me.  Now normally I'm not one to care what happens afterwards.  Usually I would continue on my way unchanged, but for some reason, this particular visit I was on edge.  I suppose it was because I wasn't as relaxed I usually was.  Whatever the case, he writhed his way into my thoughts.  It wasn't until we left that I was finally feeling the effects.  Suddenly when we were on our way back home, i suddenly felt this empty feeling after a bolt of fear.  I swear, I've never been so scared in my life.  It was all gone.  Everything that was there, everyone I had grown to known, It all vanished.

I was suddenly thrust into a state worse than I started, worse than anything I had known at the time.  I tried again and again to get back.  Nothing was working.  I was in turmoil, I fell back into a deep depression, I developed anxiety, I was unable to gain any control of myself.  My mother eventually took me to my then, and now, psychologist.  She's doing everything she can to help me.  Meditation, Different forms of therapy, You name it.  I've told her all there is to tell, and we have made some progress with the anxiety.  However, I can't get out of this nasty spell of depression and we have yet to successfully get back to my place.  she says that perhaps I locked myself out, perhaps because I was scared of losing them, or that I was scared of them, if for a brief moment. 

So here I am.  I have read about maladaptive daydreaming and, while not exactly the same to what I had, is similar enough for me to come here.  I've come here hoping for something that might help in any way possible.  Hopefully I might find something here that might, at the very least, give us a trail to follow. 

well, that's all for now.  I'm a little exhausted from writing this thing if you guys understand.  Hopefully I can fit in well enough.  Until then, TTFN.

[Camoran]

We're all wandering and bumping into walls all the time looking for a solution, and I think many of us have been knocked out of ourselves as well (if that's what you meant).

I believe every 'wrong' feeling that comes with daydreaming can be traced back to our situation being out of sync with the reality we'd want to live in. What's that? The ideal reality is physically impossible in this universe? My, that's one hell of a deadlock.