Where wild minds come to rest
Scared to even post this. I'm very confused by what is happening. Tuesday around 9:30 or 10 am the current DD ended. I try to stave off the new one starting as long as I can. It is usually a very stressful time, like quickly changing channels in my mind. Before one will stick and start a story. Well as I tried to keep distracting myself at work, my mind got a little clearer. I was almost holding my breath all day waiting for it to kick in again.
Well here it is Wednesday night and my mind is still DD free. I don't know what happened. I can think, when my mind starts to wonder it is about what's for dinner or what I need to do later. Normal natural stuff. Am I cured? Did this thing leave as quickly as it came? It has been 1 year and 8 months since it started. I have had the first two free days since then.
I actually laid in my husband's arms and watched TV last night, without having my eyes closed living in another world while pretending to be there with him. I WAS there, I watched TV, laughed, smiled. No weeping for two days. I am so happy to feel free. But so scared it will come back.
Now the habit part did creep up, I'm so used to it taking over but it was easy to stop it, unlike ever before. Without the uncontrollable compulsion I can easily refuse it. Cause I have never been addicted to it, it was intrusive thoughts, not under my control. But for two days, I have been in control, like someone turned the TV in my head off. I feel normal, I feel sane. Why? what changed? A miracle? My prayers answered?
My biggest fear is that the doctor was right and I do have bipolar disorder with a long cycle time and the MD+depression is the down cycle and the normal in the up swing. If that is the case it will come back. If I am blessed the up will last as long as the down and maybe I have a year to be normal. I can hope. But still almost holding my breath waiting. But enjoying each moment of this freedom.