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[August]

I tend to forget about these sort of blogs after a while so I'm going to try and write as much as I can before that happens. 

I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts and I have problems with my memory so bear with me.

I don't know if I can pinpoint when this started happening. It feels like I've always done it. Maybe it was to run away for a while. My parents never really got along and we've always had problems with money. I can't remember anything specific but I know things happened like my dad cheating or my mom crying because she couldn't feed me and my siblings. Everything in my life is pretty blurry  though I can remember some stuff. I do remember that I would go walk around the playground alone during recess (though I had friends to play with) just so I could imagine things. I can't remember what I pretended. I can make guesses, maybe. I think I was more creative back then, I liked building actual little worlds, strange  far off lands with toys. My favorite toys where miniatures like the original Polly Pocket toys or little cookware. Things I could add to my makeshift houses or worlds that I would set up behind my house. I would imagine families and friendships between the adventurers I made up.  I guess it might have been a bit too much even back then because I remember this one time a kid asked me why I walked around the playground muttering to myself. I was so ashamed. I think it shook me up. I was not aware that I did that.

I feel like it flared up during middle school when things got very stressful for me. Middle school was when I lost my  self-confidence. My academic performance was not up to par since I had moved on to a school with children with more privileged backgrounds. My art was mediocre at best when compared to some children with artistic parents. These were the two things that had made up my sense of self as a child when I was neither "pretty" or had social skills. Seeing that I was neither intelligent nor talented was a major blow to my 11 year old self.

I didn't make friends right away. In fact, a teacher called my parents (though she never confronted me) about my "problem". I was just told to make friends. Be nice. Basically nothing constructive. I eventually did but I felt a distinct lack of  warmth. I did eventaully make nicer friends but there was a divide between us and it had me feeling undeserving and ashamed. I never once told them about any real problems I was having. It was very lonely. I often went on walks around the campus to "think".

At this point my day dreams took a distinct change. They focused more on interpersonal relationships. I imagined a group of  friends (which are what my day dreams still focus around) and I imagined romantic scenarios. I think that came from not really having someone to talk to. I also built that other me, someone better. At first she was female but slowly I started to imagine myself as male. Somethingt I often when back to during my last year of middle school was this backstory where I was this magic creature who'd always be reborned after death. My past selves just happened to be female but this self continued now as male.  I didn't really think about this. I was not really sure about my gender identity at the time or even aware that I could be anythign other than what I was assigned at birth. Maybe I'll talk about this later. The point is that I was trying to patch up  issues I was having with my own imagination.

I'll continue later. 

[Sammy]

I share a lot of the symptoms you have, too.