What accompanies your daydreaming?

[Nikita Dow]

Whether or not I have MDD is up for debate. As a child I used to play a game my parents referred to as "doll game" which involved me skipping in circles with a headless barbie doll which I apparently talked to. I don't recall talking to the doll but I do remember why I played this game. I was inventing stories, usually taking movie or T.V. show plots and creating my own sequels or spin offs.

Over time as I grew, the stories became more advanced and more original but I always felt the need maybe even a compulsion to have something in my hands as I did it. I would spend hours each day on the trampoline with a toy in my hand sort bounce-pacing as I made up stories (this occurred even into my teen years). Eventually, it became socially unacceptable to play "doll game" and my behaviour had to change. When I tried to stop I developed these compulsive repetitive movements where my hands sat slightly ajar in an odd formation (I really don't know how to describe it- picture Goku about to throw a kamehameha but from in front of him instead of the side) and shake as if I were creating a ball of energy between my hands.

When I went back to day dreaming and fiddling with things (at 17ish I upgraded from toys to watches- I take them off and fiddle with the straps) I reduced but did NOT get rid of this repetitive movement.

However, it did eventually develop into me rubbing my hands together as if I were cold  and making a quiet high pitched squeaking sound (which my partner likens to the neighing of a horse or the sound of a dolphin).

I did have a problem, however, with losing watches and so my boyfriend (I'm now 22 by the way) found a solution. He bought me cheap rubber bracelets and cut them open so I can carry them in my pocket and flick them about when I day dream. 

Generally speaking my life is good. I am doing a master's thesis (slowly), I can hold down a job and I have (finally) a happy and healthy relationship. I am not sure that, if this disorder was in the DSM-5, I would  qualify. I daydream a lot, I struggle to not day dream (it's why I take 45 minute showers). The only thing that stops me is actively speaking to someone. But my daydreaming has also been put to good use; I am currently writing a novel (very slowly) but the main plot has been entirely created by my daydreaming.

But I procrastinate a shit ton and I feel like I would be happier if I actually had self control.