Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

My past so obscure as it is very hard to figure out. I spent my whole life being a notorious misfit. I expected to have a life like everybody else. Well, I didn't know I had autism spectrum disorder, and it completely shattered my dreams. I spent many years trying to find out why I couldn't fit in. I looked at other boys and girls, but saw that they had no problem of any kind. They blended well with each other like butter on bread. I was quiet, timid and awkward in my appearance. Whereas they were all super outgoing and had many friends. Often, they stared at right me with pity, laughter or scorn. I got manipulated and picked more than anybody else. I was a very smart, pretty and very nice going person
to my close friends, at least. However, everybody else found me so very stupid and really unfriendly, because this is how I really looked on the outside. I was clumsy, undecided, extremely quiet and
I sometimes stuttered when I spoke. Other times it was really hard to communicate with people, so
they'd take off snickering and stare at me strangely. I was left standing there all by myself, feeling crap "awkward," in pain and incredibly dumb for words. In a way, I felt extremely disillusioned too. Is that what you think? You think you can pull it off...without practice, huh? Is that what you think? I realize that normal people who like to socialize will feel too uncomfortable or frustrated with a quiet person....you sound pretty darn boring! It's not engaging. It's a one way street.

Anyway, this morning I woke up. I was in shock. My present life is vacant and people-less. I am unmarried, uncoupled and have no children. I still live with my mom and dad. I an underemployed and in a job I don't even like. I rarely have any friends. I also realize that I day dreamed for far too long. Yes,
I day dreamed excessively for roughly 20 years. However, I am not proud of it. Maladaptive day dreaming robbed from me a life that I really deserved, worked up to and sat around patiently waiting for. You expect when you're a good person, well-behaved and all the rest....better things will come. Well, just because your a good person, it does not mean you'll wind up with a nice life. So, eventually, I felt slapped in the face in this regard. Well, turning 30, and seeing what I've done, I practically screamed like bloody murder on the inside. It's like I wanted and expected so much, but I wasn't being very realistic. Even, my sister told me I don't live in the real world. To be honest, I have no idea how this has anything to do with my heart and my feelings.

So a year from now, if I come over this blog. Hopefully, by then my life will have improved, and what I wrote is just a false alarm....my predicament wasn't permanent.

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