Where wild minds come to rest
Now that I thought so hard about this...the pieces are all getting put together. It is a very long and devious story to explain what actually happened with my life. Every time I work, it's like I get these messages from this invisible spiritual force.
Anyway, I didn't realize I had Autism until I was 30. Before this, I believed I was just a 'timid odd-ball' or a 'shy awkward' who never fit in too well. I always wondered why everybody was so beastly mad or disgruntled with me. I never understood why they jerked me around so much and treated me in any way but a real person. Most of all, I never understood why everybody assumed I was so STUPID. They always sharply questioned as to why I just couldn't "think and behave" exactly like them in any given life situation. I mean...in terms of relationships, work, education, sports, independence, eating manners, appearance...ANYTHING....nothing I ever did was every good enough for anybody whose in the neurotypical realm or in the "Norm society." I knew a lot of very nice people who were sweet and grateful with who I truly was, and didn't mind having me around. But others were usually hard-assed, strict, bullish and snooty. No matter how perfect or trusty I tried to be, there were still flaws people didn't like and appreciate at all. I was still described as 'kind of crazy', dumb, slow, careless, incorrigible and other sad labels.
Getting through life, I found it hard to develop friendships and relationships. To this day, I am shocked and confused by how many people found it very difficult to like me and accept me as their friend. I can still enlist the many times everybody said, "Your quiet!" Even if I did open my GOB they would sometimes stare and ask if everything is "OK." It is like I had little skill in socializing and was clumsy in the way that I did everything in front of people. I guess I made them very uncomfortable....or perhaps even stunned beyond believe?
I guess in adulthood, appearance is everything, otherwise everybody does think your "nuts" or just fuck-out weird. Adults chum with each other genuinely with laughs and chuckles, but if I suddenly acted sloppy or clumsy, maybe a little nervous, it's a great big no-no. They just look at you and think, "Man, is she having a real bad day or what? Is she OK?"
They honestly even do this if I simply don't smile and talk for about 5 solid minutes, as they regard this as not a normal reaction a sociable person would usually make.
Anyway my point on "Mystery." Well, having Autism, I never had a single clue or hunch on what the hell was going on around me, that is, when I was a developing young child. What do Autistic children know? Males get diagnosed with Autism so much earlier than females with autism. I spent periods in my entire being underestimated for my perplexing behavior and nobody in my family could figure out I had Autism....especially when I had so much trouble talking?
As for dating, well there was no dating. Relating to other people was so challenging and connecting with men was kind of rare. I mostly had female friends all my life.
Growing up without partners, I was very shocked and convinced no guy will ever want anything to do with me as a person. I always expected to have a few relationships and dating experiences, but they never came true. I landed up with empty life results and a lot of regrets.
Then while writing up an article, something clicked in me, I realized that there will be a relationship and a very special connection. A very special partner whose not a girl, but a guy. I spoke to clairvoyants who gave me this information. Then I visited a tea leaf reader named Sarah. She saw a person in my tea cup.
'A significant partner'....and an important person. I've also seen this person in my previsions and dream sequences. I realize that if I can't connect with anybody else, there is always one person who I will connect with, my significant other. Waiting for a long time and being patient always results in good things.