I really don't know where to start. I realized I have MMD only about a year back or so, and I'm so glad that I'm not the only one on this planet who has this. I used to think that I'm the only one on this planet who's so - how do I put it - Absurd? Abnormal? Obsessive? Mad? Crazy? Indeed, that's what most people are going to think about you if you were to tell them about MDD. I also happen to be gay, but I guess MDD would be far less shocking a revelation for the people around me than homosexuality would.

My MDD began in my teenage years in the form of elaborate fantasies - or perhaps I should call them love stories. I'd be Tom Cruise in almost every love story, and the guy I’m in love with would be any male celebrity who I'm really attracted to at the moment. For the past 10 years, I've usually been Tom Cruise, but the lovers in my stories have varied from Indian actors to Hollywood actors. For the sake of simplicity, let me call this person who I’m attracted to as X.

In my fantasies, the world consists only of men. There are no women, only men who’re quite manly or aggressive, and men who are not so manly or aggressive. So there’s no question of anyone being gay or straight - everyone’s normal because that’s how the human race was created, having only men. I know it sounds ridiculous, but in my dreams, it’s all so commonplace, logical and normal. Sometimes, I think I created this world because the world around me is quite unfriendly to gays. Almost everyone and everything seems to disagree with the idea of homosexuality. The Scriptures don’t accept it (at least none of the three Abrahamic faiths do), culture doesn’t accept it, people don’t accept it...and well, what else remains.

I’m aware that LGBT folks are getting greater acceptance around the world today than anytime in the past, but that’s sadly not the case in my country (India). Homosexual sex is still a criminal offence. If you’re gay, you better stay in your filthy closet and not disclose it to anyone. If you’re brave enough to do that, get ready to be ostracized by more than half of the people you’re close to. Apart from that, be ready for snide remarks and jokes that people are going to laugh over behind your back. And if you're from a Muslim family, don't expect anyone in your community to accept you.

Anyway, returning to my fantasies, or love stories. My stories are very, very detailed. The story usually starts with me (Tom Cruise) meeting X through chance, and then X falls in love with me and attempts to win my love. Eventually, I begin to give in to his advances and fall in love with him. Sometimes, I get so engrossed with my fantasies that X seems to be an actual person. I feel every emotion, I actually cry when we (Tom Cruise and X) have fights. And yes, we often have fights, but then we always end up making up and coming back together, and that actually makes our bond stronger. And we also have sex quite often. But my fantasies aren’t limited to X. I’m also a struggling actor in my fantasies, who then goes on to become the top actor in the film industry. I just have to see one good movie in the real world - and that alone would instantly trigger my MDD. I’d fantasize myself (Tom Cruise) playing the role of the actress or actor (usually the actress), and I’d act out key scenes from the movie that really influenced me, over and over. I’d also imagine other celebrities and directors praising my performance in the film behind my back, and hailing me as the next big thing in Bollywood. Quite often in my stories, my debut film gets nominated by the Oscars for the Best Foreign Language Film and I (Tom Cruise) get nominated for Best Actor, and of course, I also win it. My name in my fantasies is usually some Muslim name that I like.

And then I not only become a great actor, I also begin doing some really influential stuff - I open a Test Lab in India so that every medicine and food item gets checked for contaminants. I open a hospital for the poor so that they can get reliable care at negligible cost. I transform Indian education and introduce international standards, and so on. In other words, if there’s something I really care about in real life but it doesn’t happen, I do that in my fantasies since I’m now a powerful person. Although my world only has men and is still 100% normal, everything else mirrors the real world. There are problems, there’s poverty, there’s conflict among people, you have the same countries, you have Obama etc.

I can’t even count how many hours and days I’ve lost to MDD. When I was younger, it didn't seem to matter much as I wasn’t working. But now I’m a working professional, and one good thing about my job is that I rarely get the time to slip into MDD. I always have to be alert and constantly in touch with people, over mail or on the phone. The time I spend doing MDD has drastically reduced, but whenever I seem to find myself idle, MDD creeps in slowly and surely. On a working day, the only time I get to do MDD is when I’m commuting to work and back.

Apart from MDD, I also have mild OCD and irrational fears. Nevertheless, they’re not as powerful as MDD is. MDD has been with me for a very, very long time, and continues to be. I also find that if I stay away from MDD completely, other types of OCD (harm OCD) seem to kick in. Reflecting on God/our higher purpose, my interests in science/tech/religion, and self-awareness help me stay stable.

I know there are medications but I’ve never tried them. I believe there are side effects, and what if I happen to stop taking them? I don’t really want to rely on them.

So well, that’s my story of my imaginary stories, and I feel really relieved after having shared them. I don’t have this fear of being judged here, or being labelled as crazy. MDD doesn’t help me though when I’m really depressed about something, or in physical pain. The reality just hits me then, and I realize that my stories are futile.

I’m not sure if I’d ever be able to completely let go of MDD, but I’ve realized that it’s not such a bad thing after all. Sometimes I actually enjoy drifting away, especially when I’m commuting or when I’m bored. I’m fully aware that all my stories are just that - fantasies. But they help me to momentarily escape the  world I’m in. A world where I’m a misfit and everyone/everything else is normal. A world where I’m confident, muscular, and very attractive. I had really low self esteem growing up, and I guess that’s one of the reasons why it’s very difficult for me to put the real me in my fantasies. Why would the celebrities fall for me?

When I happened to stumble across an article on MDD for the first time, everything just seemed to click. Idealized self? Yes. A very rich and detailed fantasy world? Yes. Pacing up and down sometimes and acting out situations? Yes. Sexual arousal? Yes. Power and control? Yes. Everything just fell into place.

Thanks for reading my story, in case you happened to read my entire post.

My best wishes. Take care...

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I can't imagine how it must feel to be in your position. I do know one thing for sure though, things WILL get better. Like you said in your post, finding interests, passions, and purpose can help ground your life and turn it for the better. What usually helps me is setting goals that I want in my real life that can make my life more enjoyable and meaningful. Going towards a goal helps keep me focused to a certain extent from negativity, and over time your life slowly starts to become more bearable and MD less heavy. I wish the best of luck to you, and always keep in mind that we're here for you.

Hi Ali. I am bisexual and have had a rough sexual history which I am only just coming to terms with. The 'me' character in my DDs is male, but in the past I have been females and males of all sexualities. You being gay in your DD is a way of expressing a part of you that you can't otherwise. It seems a pretty natural thing to do.

I've just gotten into theatre and am playing male roles. I'm loving being a...drag king? It's boosted my confidence and self esteem, and I've actually cut down on my daydreaming a lot because I can express that side of myself in public. Maybe you can find something like that?

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