Where wild minds come to rest
Hello, Sally. My experiences at university were similar to yours. I also felt depressed and anxious, and I procrastinated a lot. Our daydreams give us a false sense of what we want and who we really are. We imagine only the ideal versions of ourselves. It's like we are stuck playing make-believe as children, constantly pretending to be one thing and then another, but never committing to anything. It's the same in love. I agree with you. I've never really experienced love, because i'm way too self-conscious. I'm only focused on myself and not on the other person. I think the problem is what you mentioned at the end, that we don't really have a love for ourselves. We escape the inferior, flawed parts of us and prefer to daydream, because it's easier than actually living and possibly facing rejection. I'm still struggling with this. It seems silly, I know, but it's a difficult habit to break. Good luck to you in school!
P.S. What is the clip you posted?
I relate a lot to your experiences and struggles you described with your schoolwork at the university. It's been multiple years now since I've been in school, but when I was studying in college I would spend hours at my computer staring off into space or mindlessly surfing the internet instead of studying. It really frustrated me that I couldn't get anything done.
I wish I could say that I figured out the secret to being successful in college but I didn't. All I can say is I've figured out there are lots of people that didn't graduate college that could still find meaningful careers. Know that you aren't alone in your struggles and it helped me to hear from someone else who has been through some similar experiences.
Also, for someone who isn't a native English speaker your writing is wayyyyy better than my Spanish so kudos to you!
I never thought of it that way MatthewR., but it is like we are children playing make-believe, feeding ourselves fairytales to try to make sense of the world and make it a less scary/overwhelming place. I also agree with AlanD. regarding being able to find meaningful careers without finishing school. I think the key is sitting down with yourself and really thinking about what you like doing and reading up on different careers. Life isn't like what plays out in your DDs. It's far more complex, requires substantial effort, and isn't always clear.
Like you, I've struggled in school and finding motivation to study let alone finish it. Part of it has to do with choosing a career someone else chose for me, not knowing what I wanted to do, and MDD. I also have discovered that I have had a problem with mild depression and anxiety as it has become more severe in the last few weeks. This summer, I retook a course while going through all these issues. I didn't think I'd make it, but I did and ended up with an A-!
The key for me was studying despite the overwhelming anxiety and depression I felt and it actually ended up lessening the symptoms as I fully focused on studying! What I did was go to a neutral room with no distractions and ended up reading out loud and asking myself questions out loud to make sure I understood the information (it also helped to block all the noise in my head). At times I felt frustrated, ended up in crying fits, and wanted to give up. But I kept at it till I exhausted myself every night and told myself that even if I failed it didn't matter as long as I tried and that it didn't mean my life would be over. I've battled with that in the past, thinking I'd be nothing without school and where I would end up. I keep reminding myself that life is what you make it and you create the meaning not society or someone else.
What has also helped in the past regarding school is studying in the library (or a public place) and having friends/classmates that motivate me. I've actually struggled with school during the past two years more so than before because I isolated myself from friends, classmates, teachers which made me less accountable and less ashamed of failing. I find that with family I'm less accountable because they know me and I can get away with more. Outside people are less forgiving/understanding - which makes me try harder. I know that may not be a good way to look at it but that's what has helped me in the past and that's what I plan on attempting right now.
Regarding weed, it's just another form of you escaping from reality and yourself. Lower your dosage every day and begin to process what you feel and more importantly why. Try to be objective. Write it down, talk about it, share it with others because it might help in figuring things out. Think about what you want and what makes you happy. It won't always be clear and maybe forever changing, but that's okay! Life isn't black and white.
I know it's going to be hard (studying and lowering your weed intake) but it's worth it because you're worth it and life can be as extraordinary as a DD or better because it's real!
I'm sorry to read about your exam Sally. Have you ever thought about taking a break from school in order to work on your depression and other issues? When I was researching college students dealing with depression/anxiety, many said that taking a break to deal with themselves was one of the greatest decisions they ever made. It helped them get the help they needed (focus on that solely) and they were able to reevaluate.
I know what you mean about work. When I think about quitting school and just working, it makes me feel like a failure and like it's the end of the world. But this is the negative thoughts and depressed mind speaking. Work can also have the ability to put things into perspective, relight the fire in your studies, provide distraction/confidence/social interactions, and help you figure things out.
Life is difficult, but it is also your creation. I know it's easier said than done (trust me, I battle myself every day) but most of it has to do with how you look at things. If you tilt your head one way rather than the other, you might get a different view. That's what we also do in our DDs when experiencing different/same emotions/scenarios through different/same characters.
I wish you luck. Don't give up. Breathe and try to look at things from a different angle. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.