Where wild minds come to rest
Hello, i'm 19 years old and i started MD as a form of protection. It started at college (my first round) where i had no friends, everyone was mean and i didn't enjoy my subjects. No one understood my creative abilities. So i started to imagine my life successful, full of friends, a boyfriend who was just my type (often took the form of celebrities i thought were good looking, but not them personally) and it was how i coped. But then the depression sank in. My daydreams made me feel alone because i realised life wasn't like that. I became a shell of myself and often thought if i'd ever feel happy again. I had to drop out and come back the next year, which i did after i recovered but in a different college. One more suited for me, where it was all course work and film making. But still i MD'd without realising it was an addiction and saw no harm.
It became the way i breathed and meditated. If someone made me upset i'd cry my eyes out and the only thing that would cheer me up was just to imagine my second life and how all the friends there would comfort me and how a loving partner would tell me everything was going to be ok. It became the only source of my laughter. I became a little crazy, talking to myself, not exactly pretending i could see them, but it's like a shutter effect. My eyes were open and i could see my bedroom but in my head i knew where i was, in my perfect life.
I idolised myself - i was funny, loved, caring, able... which i am! all those things! but no one would let me show who i am. I am a film student and every time i have an idea it's crapped on by others. I'm now to scared to film a short, i get nervous overtime i pick up a camera. And so i'd just imagine i did it... in my second life. But this isn't me! It's a coping mechanism.
I've been shitted on so often in my life. They see the vulnerable me and manipulate me. I had a boyfriend who made me believe everything i thought was invalid, like i had no opinions. If i didn't enjoy kissing him it was because something was wrong with me, not him. But it was him. He was an arsehole that made me feel insecure. He was up his own arse but i was so happy to be wanted i could't see. (I should say now i never loved the guy, or even liked him. I just kept at the relationship because it been so long. Then i got trapped in his self-pity and every time i thought of breaking up with him he'd make me feel like my opinion was wrong and that he never hurt me (mentally). He was very defensive, it was gross) We broke up eventually when i had had enough and asserted my own damn opinion!!!!! But life was still shit.
So i go back to my second life and get my dose of dopamine there and carry on like everything normal. But i want to not have to do that. It makes me upset about how lost i've become. I could walk into a new club (sports ect.) by myself and make friends easily. I was an air cadet for a long time and it was the happiest bit of my childhood because i got to be myself there. I was quite popular, with the boys as well ;) but thats all gone now. I'm at college with fuck his face (ex boyfriends nickname) and he makes me feel insecure there, has taken away all my freedom and all the classmates there are up their own arse i have no one to work with. I feel like shit, that today i came home at lunch crying my eyes out because i found myself wandering around the college aimlessly, trying to find a place to be, but there was none. I'm not an introvert. I love talking to people! I'm that person that will give u some change if your 20p short to get a bus ticket. I've helped random strangers through panic attacks, helped old ladies with heavy bags! I am such a nice person and i don;t think i need to be rewarded for it, but i hate keeping myself to myself. I want to leave the house but realise i have no place to be!
If anyone wants to start their recovery process with me. Serve as the other card that stands the other card up to make a that triangle thing, I'm happy to be that person. I'd love to hear everyone's stories. I've tried everything... please help, i'm in dire need of support, i've told no one :'(
go for it, i would love any form of help, thank you :)
It's sad to hear this kind of story, but not nearly as sad as living it. By what you said, there's so much potential in you that ends up wasted because of others' rotten selfishness. I'm going to take the gamble here. If you can trust a complete stranger over the internet, I might just be able to help a little.