Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

I've been lurking here for a while but I've finally worked up the courage to post.

I'm nearly 50 years old and I've been a MD'er from a very, very young age (my guess is it started around 4-5 years old - from what I can remember). I have never been without a "story-line" in my head that exists parallel to my real life (except for a very brief period of a few months once). It's almost always been based on celebrities that I adapt and mold into my "characters" and I'm in a relationship with them. Lately it's become more and more painful knowing my stories can never be real.

My entire life I thought this "thing" I did was unique to me. A few years ago I started to search online to see if I could find any info on it and it was a huge surprise and relief when I discovered MD. To know I wasn't alone and wasn't some kind of freak of nature was such a comfort. I have never ever told another living soul that I do this - well until now I guess and this is hugely scary to me as I'm so terrified someone I know may somehow find out.

Anyway, I would really love to hear from other people that have been an MD'er for a very long time as I have (maybe those age 30 and above). I think younger people (and I am so grateful for this because I think it's the reason MD is now more out in the open) have a much easier time sharing personal things and being open and not feeling ashamed of it.

My specific questions for the MD "old-timers":

How old are you now?
When did you start?
Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?
Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?
Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?
Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?
(in my case it seems to be making me more and more unhappy the older I get)

Thanks everyone - so grateful for everyone here that shares so openly!

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 I am 69 yrs old and I started MD when I was about 6 yrs. 

And YES I thought I was the only one living in this fantasy world of unreality ,..sitting for hours in this horrible place of  make-believe.

My mom wanted a boy instead of a girl when I was born and I became a product of Rejection,   daydreaming was a way of coping with the loneliness and lack of love.

Yes, I have been married for over 42 yrs to a good man. But unfortunately, due to the trauma of my rejection as a child and the MDD disorder he was unable to embrace me and care for me as a wife.  I never knew what the problem was until just recently when I was on the internet.

Yes , I do believe I will be completely delivered ,....Through prayer I am already in the process of deliverance.

I have lost so many  years of my life living in another world  ( a world  of unreality)  .... I don't want to die and NEVER really lived..( to die and no one ever know I lived)  Most of my life is already gone ,..I dont want to waste any more.

With the strength that I have received , I want to strengthen some one else that is facing the same thing I have for more than 60 yrs.     So, I encourage you to seek the face of God,.....Pray  every day and seek HIM !!!    HE is the answer!

I pray that God will bless you with all spiritual blessing in heavenly places , that He will strengthen you with might in the inner man , and the the peace of  God rule in your heart by the power of the Holy Ghost!!!!

I say to you ,...You have greatness already built inside you,.....you are one of a kind,.....you are SOMEBODY very special ,....I don't know you ,...but God does and he loves you & cares about you .,,,,,(the very hairs of your head are all numbered) Be encouraged.....Our God will deliver  us ......in Jesus Name !

Note : please read Psalms 91  every day........it will bless you ! 

Hi!

Like others, I am very grateful for your post! So happy you did this, and you should be proud, as you overcame your fear and as you could see, people are very friendly and appriciative here! :) I am learning a lot by reading the answers, so once again, thanks. I am over thirty and really wished to know more people around my age or above.

How old are you now?          32


When did you start?

As far as I can remember, I always did this. Maybe because of my abusive parents - my childhood was extremely chaotic and sadly, it continued. I became a lonely teen, separated from my brother, and a sad and angry adult.

I would say DDs were definitely a defence mechanism for me. I had (and still have to) escape reality.

I would really like to add one more question to yours, if you don't mind: Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood?


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?

Oh, yes, absolutely! Finding this page blew my mind!!! (Also, I felt a bit silly. You see, I lived in my little bubble and therefore for a long time didn't even realize that the amount I DDd was not the regular person's amount. This isn't something someone just talks about, like...hey, how many hours do you DD a day....So I had no idea. Then I came here and talked to so many people in their twenties and they so quickly realized something was different about them...oh, well, we all have our pace when it comes to realizations I guess. :)


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?

Wow, this is a toughie. But I am glad you asked, I wanted to make a post about it too. No. I had a boyfriend, serious, for a couple of years, and being an MD made it horror. I constantly felt guilty because I loved someone that only exists in my head more than him. I was hysteric, and scared and confused. It was emotional terror. But, since I wasn't in love with him, I couldn't make my DDs stop. Eventually, I told him, and he was very understanding - but he didn't understand, he simply could not. It bothers me how people don't get it and they are like: oh, that's okay, sweetie, you just DD...they don't understand the effects of this on your life. But I know it, first hand. Eventually we broke up and I don't regret it. I made a promise, though. That I am never gonna date someone only to being able to say: I am in a relationship or I have a boyfriend. I know that I need to be passionate about someone in order to have a chance to make it work. Wanting to be present and sincerely have an interest, so that I won't drift away. But being an MD certainly makes it harder, as it comes hand in hand with depression, anxiety (in my case), a much smaller social cirlcle to meet new people - and I am a very deep and artistic person, so most guys I am not interested in, not even if they are handsome. And then there are the guys that are very intelligent, but not attractive at all...so, not easy.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?

I sometimes wonder...I always dreamed as a little girl that the man I dream about will one day find me (I know, it sounds crazy, even writing it here!) But soon I am gonna look too old for someone who never aged in my head...I think one day this will crush my heart. It's not gonna be pretty. I will possibly become so depressed that I will need medication. If I am lucky, I will find a real man to love before than and avoid hitting rock bottom. I don't know. I am pretty sure in some form I will DD for the rest of my life. It's simply how my brain is wired! I can DD about anything, so I'll always drift away like a balloon.

I wasn't able to stop for more than a few days. It did stop by itself once and that made me incredibly sad. I chose to force it to come back by concentrating harder on it. I did make some attempts over my life to make it stop but honestly - my life (and that is only me) is just so miserable reality-wise that I always simply FORGET why I wanted it to stop in the first place! When I did stop it once as a teen, I really didn't like the way I saw things with my new 'reality goggles' on. Everything was steril and white, exactly like in a lab. It freaked me out.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?

It did make me sadder but it's still hard to answer. It's given me a lot, a sense of wonder too. It is who I am. It also saved me. But the funny thing is: it made me much-much sadder as a teen. Like from 13 when it REALLY kicked in. I had constant battles in me, questioning my sanity, having no-one to turn to (because I did not know back then that this was a thing), it isolated me and it also pretty much was like a drug to me. But these battles, inner wars kind of calmed later on in my life. I am trying to accept it and create some sort of balance. I am not judging myself that hard anymore, just try to be cool and accepting. It is still incredibly hard and I need to sweep a lot of things under the carpet, but...there's not much else or better I can do.

Thanks again to all of you that have responded here. So interesting and so many similarities.

It makes me wonder just how many people throughout history (sounds funny)  - but really - how many people actually do and have done this but just never talked about it and never told anyone.

To answer your additional questions...

Trigger in my childhood / Did you have a horrible childhood?

- I was the youngest by quite a difference from my older siblings so I was alone and isolated a lot. I've always thought that may have contributed to me starting to DD. I also had a somewhat volatile father that had a very quick temper and I was fearful of him and as a result grew up in a stressful household. Interesting that troubled childhoods seems to be a very common theme among people on this site. So I wouldn't say my childhood was horrible - but it certainly wasn't completely safe and happy either.

I tend to think this whole thing also has to do with the way certain brains are wired. It certainly is a mystery - I would LOVE to know what caused this and why so many of us continue doing it our entire lives.



Pathfinder said:

Hi!

Like others, I am very grateful for your post! So happy you did this, and you should be proud, as you overcame your fear and as you could see, people are very friendly and appriciative here! :) I am learning a lot by reading the answers, so once again, thanks. I am over thirty and really wished to know more people around my age or above.

How old are you now?          32


When did you start?

As far as I can remember, I always did this. Maybe because of my abusive parents - my childhood was extremely chaotic and sadly, it continued. I became a lonely teen, separated from my brother, and a sad and angry adult.

I would say DDs were definitely a defence mechanism for me. I had (and still have to) escape reality.

I would really like to add one more question to yours, if you don't mind: Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood?


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?

Oh, yes, absolutely! Finding this page blew my mind!!! (Also, I felt a bit silly. You see, I lived in my little bubble and therefore for a long time didn't even realize that the amount I DDd was not the regular person's amount. This isn't something someone just talks about, like...hey, how many hours do you DD a day....So I had no idea. Then I came here and talked to so many people in their twenties and they so quickly realized something was different about them...oh, well, we all have our pace when it comes to realizations I guess. :)


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?

Wow, this is a toughie. But I am glad you asked, I wanted to make a post about it too. No. I had a boyfriend, serious, for a couple of years, and being an MD made it horror. I constantly felt guilty because I loved someone that only exists in my head more than him. I was hysteric, and scared and confused. It was emotional terror. But, since I wasn't in love with him, I couldn't make my DDs stop. Eventually, I told him, and he was very understanding - but he didn't understand, he simply could not. It bothers me how people don't get it and they are like: oh, that's okay, sweetie, you just DD...they don't understand the effects of this on your life. But I know it, first hand. Eventually we broke up and I don't regret it. I made a promise, though. That I am never gonna date someone only to being able to say: I am in a relationship or I have a boyfriend. I know that I need to be passionate about someone in order to have a chance to make it work. Wanting to be present and sincerely have an interest, so that I won't drift away. But being an MD certainly makes it harder, as it comes hand in hand with depression, anxiety (in my case), a much smaller social cirlcle to meet new people - and I am a very deep and artistic person, so most guys I am not interested in, not even if they are handsome. And then there are the guys that are very intelligent, but not attractive at all...so, not easy.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?

I sometimes wonder...I always dreamed as a little girl that the man I dream about will one day find me (I know, it sounds crazy, even writing it here!) But soon I am gonna look too old for someone who never aged in my head...I think one day this will crush my heart. It's not gonna be pretty. I will possibly become so depressed that I will need medication. If I am lucky, I will find a real man to love before than and avoid hitting rock bottom. I don't know. I am pretty sure in some form I will DD for the rest of my life. It's simply how my brain is wired! I can DD about anything, so I'll always drift away like a balloon.

I wasn't able to stop for more than a few days. It did stop by itself once and that made me incredibly sad. I chose to force it to come back by concentrating harder on it. I did make some attempts over my life to make it stop but honestly - my life (and that is only me) is just so miserable reality-wise that I always simply FORGET why I wanted it to stop in the first place! When I did stop it once as a teen, I really didn't like the way I saw things with my new 'reality goggles' on. Everything was steril and white, exactly like in a lab. It freaked me out.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?

It did make me sadder but it's still hard to answer. It's given me a lot, a sense of wonder too. It is who I am. It also saved me. But the funny thing is: it made me much-much sadder as a teen. Like from 13 when it REALLY kicked in. I had constant battles in me, questioning my sanity, having no-one to turn to (because I did not know back then that this was a thing), it isolated me and it also pretty much was like a drug to me. But these battles, inner wars kind of calmed later on in my life. I am trying to accept it and create some sort of balance. I am not judging myself that hard anymore, just try to be cool and accepting. It is still incredibly hard and I need to sweep a lot of things under the carpet, but...there's not much else or better I can do.

About you additional question:

Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood? I didn´t have abusive parents but I did have a horrible childhood. My mother was schizophrenic, she was a very loving mother, but she had that condition, even though she did the best she could, but it was tough to see her bering more and more deteriorated.

My father was very loving and caring, too, but he was a gambler and that led my family to live in poverty.

I don´t have brothers nor sisters and always have had just a few friends, I was/am very lonely and socially phobic.

I was bullied harshly at school during all my childhood and teenage years and that was one of the things that affected me the more and made me a resentful person.



Pathfinder said:

Hi!

Like others, I am very grateful for your post! So happy you did this, and you should be proud, as you overcame your fear and as you could see, people are very friendly and appriciative here! :) I am learning a lot by reading the answers, so once again, thanks. I am over thirty and really wished to know more people around my age or above.

How old are you now?          32


When did you start?

As far as I can remember, I always did this. Maybe because of my abusive parents - my childhood was extremely chaotic and sadly, it continued. I became a lonely teen, separated from my brother, and a sad and angry adult.

I would say DDs were definitely a defence mechanism for me. I had (and still have to) escape reality.

I would really like to add one more question to yours, if you don't mind: Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood?


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?

Oh, yes, absolutely! Finding this page blew my mind!!! (Also, I felt a bit silly. You see, I lived in my little bubble and therefore for a long time didn't even realize that the amount I DDd was not the regular person's amount. This isn't something someone just talks about, like...hey, how many hours do you DD a day....So I had no idea. Then I came here and talked to so many people in their twenties and they so quickly realized something was different about them...oh, well, we all have our pace when it comes to realizations I guess. :)


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?

Wow, this is a toughie. But I am glad you asked, I wanted to make a post about it too. No. I had a boyfriend, serious, for a couple of years, and being an MD made it horror. I constantly felt guilty because I loved someone that only exists in my head more than him. I was hysteric, and scared and confused. It was emotional terror. But, since I wasn't in love with him, I couldn't make my DDs stop. Eventually, I told him, and he was very understanding - but he didn't understand, he simply could not. It bothers me how people don't get it and they are like: oh, that's okay, sweetie, you just DD...they don't understand the effects of this on your life. But I know it, first hand. Eventually we broke up and I don't regret it. I made a promise, though. That I am never gonna date someone only to being able to say: I am in a relationship or I have a boyfriend. I know that I need to be passionate about someone in order to have a chance to make it work. Wanting to be present and sincerely have an interest, so that I won't drift away. But being an MD certainly makes it harder, as it comes hand in hand with depression, anxiety (in my case), a much smaller social cirlcle to meet new people - and I am a very deep and artistic person, so most guys I am not interested in, not even if they are handsome. And then there are the guys that are very intelligent, but not attractive at all...so, not easy.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?

I sometimes wonder...I always dreamed as a little girl that the man I dream about will one day find me (I know, it sounds crazy, even writing it here!) But soon I am gonna look too old for someone who never aged in my head...I think one day this will crush my heart. It's not gonna be pretty. I will possibly become so depressed that I will need medication. If I am lucky, I will find a real man to love before than and avoid hitting rock bottom. I don't know. I am pretty sure in some form I will DD for the rest of my life. It's simply how my brain is wired! I can DD about anything, so I'll always drift away like a balloon.

I wasn't able to stop for more than a few days. It did stop by itself once and that made me incredibly sad. I chose to force it to come back by concentrating harder on it. I did make some attempts over my life to make it stop but honestly - my life (and that is only me) is just so miserable reality-wise that I always simply FORGET why I wanted it to stop in the first place! When I did stop it once as a teen, I really didn't like the way I saw things with my new 'reality goggles' on. Everything was steril and white, exactly like in a lab. It freaked me out.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?

It did make me sadder but it's still hard to answer. It's given me a lot, a sense of wonder too. It is who I am. It also saved me. But the funny thing is: it made me much-much sadder as a teen. Like from 13 when it REALLY kicked in. I had constant battles in me, questioning my sanity, having no-one to turn to (because I did not know back then that this was a thing), it isolated me and it also pretty much was like a drug to me. But these battles, inner wars kind of calmed later on in my life. I am trying to accept it and create some sort of balance. I am not judging myself that hard anymore, just try to be cool and accepting. It is still incredibly hard and I need to sweep a lot of things under the carpet, but...there's not much else or better I can do.

Hello; I'm 38 years old and I was blown away be the comparisons on what I go through with my day dreaming and the words of others with similar thoughts, I started day dreaming at a young age, I must have been about 9 or 10 years old, I'm sure it started as an escape from an abusive alcoholic father, and a very chaotic home life, when I was a kid I would use hand movements to accompany my fantasy, which usually revolved around fantasy and video games at the time.  I would make up stories to go with semi fictional characters based on real life fiction.  I stopped doing that after a few years do to my view point on those actions being weird and not fitting into what a socially acceptable norm is, but my dreams still continued.

Honestly I thought it was just a normal process, I never talked about it to anyone, and I figured everybody day dreams, because everyone has some inclination towards imagination.  However, when I found a case study of MD and an online community the maladaptive aspect of day dreaming made me realize just how much of a struggle I've have had with pulling myself out of vague thought and into the real world.

This has caused problems with school, I did graduate college, but in class I would zone out and lose track of what the teacher was saying for maybe up to five minutes at a time, and I would have to pull my self back to reality several times in class.

In my job I lose focus, I zone out and sometimes miss important details, this never fully causes me to fail, but often it leads to under performance and sometimes a castigation do to loss of productivity.

I'm single at the age of 38, I've had great relationships, well at least at the time, in my 20's but once I hit my third decade in life I stopped dating, I don't really try anymore, and I think it might be due to me not being present in the here and now, I have vivid imaginations that seem to replace real world relationships, and when I'm in a social group I've been told I go in and out of it, one minute I'm present then maybe five minutes later I zone out and miss everything that has been said.

I always justified these behaviors because compared to the fiction inside my own mind people are rather boring, and it also might be a control issue, the characters sometimes based off real life people are entirely fictional and can be completely controlled inside the imagination and that limits the uncertainty of socializing with other people.

I don't really know if this has made me happier or sadder.  Sometimes I'm happy with my life and at other times not so much, I feel like now my life has been very lonely for a good number of years, and I'm uncertain if I should lie the blame at maladaptive day dreaming.

Hi, I'm 50 now and are so glad to find other people on here that have also had this for a very long time. I started daydreaming at around 4 years. I did get married young and are still married. I now have two grown children and they both have MDD as well. Since they both still live at home we have a very interesting home life to say the least!!  We are all very creative with extremely well developed imaginations. I spend virtually my entire day daydreaming. Because I have done this all my live, I don't know who tho live any other way. It is part of who I am. I feel as tho it is part of my DNA. Yes, It has influenced mine and my children's lives. Mostly good. I do battle to stick to things. I do get lost sometimes for hours but have found ways around it. I daydream even when I'm working, doing everyday tasks, sometimes even while in the company of others. Like I said. I daydream almost non-stop. I do have times that I which I could stop, but they are in the minority. Once you learn how to weave it into your daily existence it becomes less of a problem. NO, except for my Husband and kids, no one ells knows about it. I don't want anyone to know either, I am very private and protective about it. I do NOT want it to go away because it enriches my life, helps me cope with everyday stress, and it keeps me from going mad!! I absolutely  HATE  being an adult!!  My fantasies helps me to stay young and aids me to live in a reality that I find excessively soul destroying and extremely boring and limiting. I simply cannot be alive without my MDD... If I was forced to stop I would slip into very deep depression and probably not see the point to continue living my life. It would be like trying to live without being able to breathe. I know this might come across a bit drastic but for me, MDD is part of who I am.

 

I'm a little late to this discussion, but I wanted to throw in my response. I'm glad I found your post. This is my first post, and it has been a relief to read through these experiences that are so similar to mine. I really thought I was alone until recently. My answers are a little short. I'm still trying to figure out how much of this I'm comfortable sharing with people.

How old are you now? 40


When did you start? When I was 8.


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this? Yes, until I came across an article a couple years ago. I think it was in The Atlantic.


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)? No.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time? I've never been able to stop for more than a few hours at a time. Maybe a day, tops. I don't expect to stop, but I'm working on controlling it and trying to engage in the "real world" more.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get? I think MD has made me unhappy overall, because it has gotten in the way of so many things that I wanted in life. However, now that it's an integral part of me, it does give me a way to ignore my misery.

Hi!

I'm 35 years old and started MD'ing around age 6.

At first I was really worried about this being abnormal and was scared of others finding out about it, maybe because my daydreams felt pretty wrong or weird. I wondered whether others daydreamt like this too or whether I was somehow abnormal and the only one. As I got older I stopped worrying about it.

I've been married for 14 years and my daydreaming hasn't had any major effects on our relationship, but I do sometimes find it frustrating when I have too little alone time to daydream in peace without sparking questions. We don't have any kids.

I've never tried to stop daydreaming. I'm okay with my MD and think I'd miss it terribly if I stopped, so I doubt I ever will.

My MD helps me cope with my life and get through rough times. It's like a friend I can always count on when real life is giving me a hard time. I don't feel sad about my MD. I was afraid of it when it first started when I was a kid, but I made my peace with it a long time ago and don't feel like it's a problem anymore.

How old are you now? 38


When did you start? I was 13 years old


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this? Yes, until I made a really good friend who I felt safe enough to admit it to, and she told me she did the same thing! I was shocked. And then about a year ago I found out about MDD. 


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)? No. I spent so much of my life in such a severe state of depression and on top of that, improperly medicated, that most of my life has gone by in a blur. I'm still a virgin. Never had an adult relationship. Extreme weight/depression has kept me from living my life. Daydreaming is what got me through the worst of it. But now I am 38 and have no life experiences. :-(


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time? I don't know. I have never completely stopped, even during a few years where I was at my happiest, I was still doing it. Right now I can't imagine not doing it. The thought of not doing it is scary to me. I hope though that one day I will be happy and content enough to feel like I don't need it. 


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get? Sadder. I am very aware of all that I have never gotten to experience. It is very upsetting. Too upsetting to really think about, so I try not to. 

Hi everyone ... I would also like to share my experience with you ... I will consider it as part of my therapy ;-). Please excuse my English which is a bit poor, so apologies in advance if something is not very clear … I do not mind having to explain it, if you wish me to, and share or exchange more experiences

How old are you now? –  I am  53 yo  and a woman by the way. Kim.

When did you start?  I must have been 6 or 7 years old

Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?

No. In fact I always knew that other people were like me.  But I have always kept that for myself and have been very careful not to let anyone know it or suspect it.  As children, my little sister did the same.  I do not know if she still does it now ( has MDD).   I used to consider that as “normal” in some people; children and teen agers; something as part of their character and a way of coping their boredom, problems and solitude, but completely abnormal in adults.  I always thought it would go away with the age, with the acquisition of emotional maturity and adult experiences, but it has not. That is why I have never spoken to anyone, for I have always felt like abnormal and totally ashamed.

I must confess that I was very shocked, impressed, happy and relieved, when I finally found a “community “of people with this “disorder”.  I, anonymously, wrote something in a psychology magazine, explaining my problem and searching for someone to give me some hints on how to cure it,  for I could not talk to a psychologist about it, and then someone sent me to the Wild Mind net.  So here I am. Trying to make at most with you guys … trying to find answers, and trying to understand.

Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (alongside your MD)?

I have never been married and I think I will never be. I have been in a very short relationship and I have no kids.  Lovers are the best I have been able to have.  I can perfectly love, and take care of other people, but I think I am too immature to live a long term commitment with someone, so I run away from very emotional commitments.

Do you think you'll ever stop ? I have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?

No, I do not think so.  I can stop for a few weeks at most, but I always come back to my dreams and characters of the moment.  I have functioned this way for too long now and I think I am too old to get rid of it, or at least completely rid of it.  I have been in therapy for many years, solved many things, healed a lot of low self-esteem  and overcome weaknesses, but I do not think it is enough.  To be able to get rid of MDD, would mean to have to start all over again, since childhood, and I do not see how.  With or without therapy, it would take sooooooo  much time…  I think it is an innate tendency which will always be there. Any situation or event can sooner or later be a trigger  to start MDD again. I feel like a drug addict or an alcoholic, who can stop drugs and alcohol, but who will always be a drug addict or an alcoholic … always on the edge …

Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?

Very unhappy at first (few years ago) when realizing  all the things that I have not achieved and that I might never achieved. 

 Much less frustrated, since  I  discovered this website and decided to fight MDD.  Now I understand much better what it is, and since  I have decided  to live in the real world,  fight my ghosts  and fears , I  have started to experience the feelings and sensations I get in my DD, and  I daydream much less.  

Life is short !!  Remember that  !!!!!   J

Thank you for your attention. I wish you all the best of luck and happiness  ;-)

Kim

Hi - I'm Helen, this is my first post and this seemed like the best place to start.

How old are you now? 35

When did you start? I can't remember exactly when it started, but certainly I was already an MDer by the age of 8 or 9.  At that point I used to imagine myself in my favourite books/TV programmes/different periods of history.  By the time I was about 12 it had shifted to building complex storylines around me being in relationships with real life musicians or actors, and that's where I've been at ever since.  I sometimes wish I could just enjoy the music and films I like for what they are, without building this whole MD framework around them.  The MDing increased in my teens and probably got out of hand by 18 as once I started university and eventually left home I had more opportunity and privacy in which to do it. 

Trigger in my childhood / Did you have a horrible childhood? Yes.  I think I have always been an introvert and fairly shy.  I have older parents and a sister eight years older than me so when I started school I didn't really know how to speak to/deal with other little kids and found it difficult to make friends.  By the time I was 7 I was being bullied because of this and for being 'ugly' and this carried on the whole way through until I left school.  When I was a kid there always seemed to be some drama around my older sister and her crying to my parents, so I think I went too far the other way and bottled everything up because I didn't want to be like her.  University was also difficult for me as I had hoped this would be the time I'd be able to turn things around and start living a more 'normal' life but though I wasn't exactly bullied I was just ignored/disregarded by the other students and this rejection led me even further into the MDing.    

Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?  Yes

Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?  No, I've never been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin.  The bullying probably triggered the MDing and also led to a lack of confidence/self-esteem which has always held me back.  When I've tried to put myself out there, the slightest setback has always sent me deeper into the MDing.  It has always been a compensation for the lack of relationships and friendships in my life but has also been a preventing factor in me experiencing life as I spend so much of my time doing it.

Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?  I don't think I'll ever be able to stop completely.  I have struggled with depression on and off for years - I was probably suffering a low-level depression through my childhood/teens.  When I was 22 I had a minor breakdown and was put on anti-depressants.  A combination of being medicated and the real-life distraction of being attracted to a work colleague (an actual person that I'd met!) meant that for about a year I wasn't MDing all that much.  But when I came off the anti-depressants and also came to the realisation that said work colleague was in no way interested in me I went back into the MDing as before.  I suffered a severe nervous breakdown when I was 29 - in the years following that I have been dealing with the initial fall-out from it, recurring bouts of depression, dental braces as an adult and major jaw surgery, a miserable job and long periods of unemployment and so the MDing has been even more intense.  The current pattern (as I don't have a job) seems to be that I can go a day or two without MDing too much (the most has been about five days) and then I usually lose a few days in a row to it.  I think if I actually managed to get some sort of meaningful 'real life' together I may get more control over it (and would hopefully need it less) but having never been in this position before I don't know whether it would go away entirely or always be with me in some form.

Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?  Sadder, because the stuff I dream about has never happened to me and the older I get the less likely it becomes.  As the relationships I dream about are with my idealised versions of attractive, talented men, I struggle to see how any real life interactions could ever be as good as the ones I can imagine.  Also, as my favourite music and films tend to date from before I was born, and the musicians and actors in my MDing are either dead or a lot older than me, I get very depressed that I wasn't around to experience them first hand, that I'm not the same age as the people I dream about, that I can't get to live in those times, the sheer impossibility of it all.  This bothered me when I was younger too, but as I get older the logistics of my MDing get more complicated.  It seems a bit silly as the whole thing only exists in my head, but I find I can only include myself in the MDing at the age I currently am as younger me never had any of the experiences that I dream about (not that present day me has either...).  So for example, the musician who is currently the main focus of my MDing (and who died a few years ago) first became famous when he was 18 in the 1950s.  But I can't now dream about him in the 1950s as he was a teenager and I'm now 35.  I can sometimes MD about him in his 20s with me being the older woman, or us being the same age in our 30s, but the main focus of my MDing about him is how he was in the 1980s when he was in his 40s.  But at some point I'm going to age myself out of my fantasies.  Just writing this down makes me realise what a mess I've made of my life so far that this is something that bothers me!

Apologies for the length of my answers, but this is the first time I've ever really shared all this with anybody.  I tentatively tried to explain some of it to my parents a month ago but felt there was only so much I could tell them and I don't think they really understood what I meant. 

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