Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

I've been lurking here for a while but I've finally worked up the courage to post.

I'm nearly 50 years old and I've been a MD'er from a very, very young age (my guess is it started around 4-5 years old - from what I can remember). I have never been without a "story-line" in my head that exists parallel to my real life (except for a very brief period of a few months once). It's almost always been based on celebrities that I adapt and mold into my "characters" and I'm in a relationship with them. Lately it's become more and more painful knowing my stories can never be real.

My entire life I thought this "thing" I did was unique to me. A few years ago I started to search online to see if I could find any info on it and it was a huge surprise and relief when I discovered MD. To know I wasn't alone and wasn't some kind of freak of nature was such a comfort. I have never ever told another living soul that I do this - well until now I guess and this is hugely scary to me as I'm so terrified someone I know may somehow find out.

Anyway, I would really love to hear from other people that have been an MD'er for a very long time as I have (maybe those age 30 and above). I think younger people (and I am so grateful for this because I think it's the reason MD is now more out in the open) have a much easier time sharing personal things and being open and not feeling ashamed of it.

My specific questions for the MD "old-timers":

How old are you now?
When did you start?
Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?
Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?
Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?
Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?
(in my case it seems to be making me more and more unhappy the older I get)

Thanks everyone - so grateful for everyone here that shares so openly!

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 I am 69 yrs old and I started MD when I was about 6 yrs. 

And YES I thought I was the only one living in this fantasy world of unreality ,..sitting for hours in this horrible place of  make-believe.

My mom wanted a boy instead of a girl when I was born and I became a product of Rejection,   daydreaming was a way of coping with the loneliness and lack of love.

Yes, I have been married for over 42 yrs to a good man. But unfortunately, due to the trauma of my rejection as a child and the MDD disorder he was unable to embrace me and care for me as a wife.  I never knew what the problem was until just recently when I was on the internet.

Yes , I do believe I will be completely delivered ,....Through prayer I am already in the process of deliverance.

I have lost so many  years of my life living in another world  ( a world  of unreality)  .... I don't want to die and NEVER really lived..( to die and no one ever know I lived)  Most of my life is already gone ,..I dont want to waste any more.

With the strength that I have received , I want to strengthen some one else that is facing the same thing I have for more than 60 yrs.     So, I encourage you to seek the face of God,.....Pray  every day and seek HIM !!!    HE is the answer!

I pray that God will bless you with all spiritual blessing in heavenly places , that He will strengthen you with might in the inner man , and the the peace of  God rule in your heart by the power of the Holy Ghost!!!!

I say to you ,...You have greatness already built inside you,.....you are one of a kind,.....you are SOMEBODY very special ,....I don't know you ,...but God does and he loves you & cares about you .,,,,,(the very hairs of your head are all numbered) Be encouraged.....Our God will deliver  us ......in Jesus Name !

Note : please read Psalms 91  every day........it will bless you ! 

Hi!

Like others, I am very grateful for your post! So happy you did this, and you should be proud, as you overcame your fear and as you could see, people are very friendly and appriciative here! :) I am learning a lot by reading the answers, so once again, thanks. I am over thirty and really wished to know more people around my age or above.

How old are you now?          32


When did you start?

As far as I can remember, I always did this. Maybe because of my abusive parents - my childhood was extremely chaotic and sadly, it continued. I became a lonely teen, separated from my brother, and a sad and angry adult.

I would say DDs were definitely a defence mechanism for me. I had (and still have to) escape reality.

I would really like to add one more question to yours, if you don't mind: Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood?


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?

Oh, yes, absolutely! Finding this page blew my mind!!! (Also, I felt a bit silly. You see, I lived in my little bubble and therefore for a long time didn't even realize that the amount I DDd was not the regular person's amount. This isn't something someone just talks about, like...hey, how many hours do you DD a day....So I had no idea. Then I came here and talked to so many people in their twenties and they so quickly realized something was different about them...oh, well, we all have our pace when it comes to realizations I guess. :)


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?

Wow, this is a toughie. But I am glad you asked, I wanted to make a post about it too. No. I had a boyfriend, serious, for a couple of years, and being an MD made it horror. I constantly felt guilty because I loved someone that only exists in my head more than him. I was hysteric, and scared and confused. It was emotional terror. But, since I wasn't in love with him, I couldn't make my DDs stop. Eventually, I told him, and he was very understanding - but he didn't understand, he simply could not. It bothers me how people don't get it and they are like: oh, that's okay, sweetie, you just DD...they don't understand the effects of this on your life. But I know it, first hand. Eventually we broke up and I don't regret it. I made a promise, though. That I am never gonna date someone only to being able to say: I am in a relationship or I have a boyfriend. I know that I need to be passionate about someone in order to have a chance to make it work. Wanting to be present and sincerely have an interest, so that I won't drift away. But being an MD certainly makes it harder, as it comes hand in hand with depression, anxiety (in my case), a much smaller social cirlcle to meet new people - and I am a very deep and artistic person, so most guys I am not interested in, not even if they are handsome. And then there are the guys that are very intelligent, but not attractive at all...so, not easy.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?

I sometimes wonder...I always dreamed as a little girl that the man I dream about will one day find me (I know, it sounds crazy, even writing it here!) But soon I am gonna look too old for someone who never aged in my head...I think one day this will crush my heart. It's not gonna be pretty. I will possibly become so depressed that I will need medication. If I am lucky, I will find a real man to love before than and avoid hitting rock bottom. I don't know. I am pretty sure in some form I will DD for the rest of my life. It's simply how my brain is wired! I can DD about anything, so I'll always drift away like a balloon.

I wasn't able to stop for more than a few days. It did stop by itself once and that made me incredibly sad. I chose to force it to come back by concentrating harder on it. I did make some attempts over my life to make it stop but honestly - my life (and that is only me) is just so miserable reality-wise that I always simply FORGET why I wanted it to stop in the first place! When I did stop it once as a teen, I really didn't like the way I saw things with my new 'reality goggles' on. Everything was steril and white, exactly like in a lab. It freaked me out.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?

It did make me sadder but it's still hard to answer. It's given me a lot, a sense of wonder too. It is who I am. It also saved me. But the funny thing is: it made me much-much sadder as a teen. Like from 13 when it REALLY kicked in. I had constant battles in me, questioning my sanity, having no-one to turn to (because I did not know back then that this was a thing), it isolated me and it also pretty much was like a drug to me. But these battles, inner wars kind of calmed later on in my life. I am trying to accept it and create some sort of balance. I am not judging myself that hard anymore, just try to be cool and accepting. It is still incredibly hard and I need to sweep a lot of things under the carpet, but...there's not much else or better I can do.

Thanks again to all of you that have responded here. So interesting and so many similarities.

It makes me wonder just how many people throughout history (sounds funny)  - but really - how many people actually do and have done this but just never talked about it and never told anyone.

To answer your additional questions...

Trigger in my childhood / Did you have a horrible childhood?

- I was the youngest by quite a difference from my older siblings so I was alone and isolated a lot. I've always thought that may have contributed to me starting to DD. I also had a somewhat volatile father that had a very quick temper and I was fearful of him and as a result grew up in a stressful household. Interesting that troubled childhoods seems to be a very common theme among people on this site. So I wouldn't say my childhood was horrible - but it certainly wasn't completely safe and happy either.

I tend to think this whole thing also has to do with the way certain brains are wired. It certainly is a mystery - I would LOVE to know what caused this and why so many of us continue doing it our entire lives.



Pathfinder said:

Hi!

Like others, I am very grateful for your post! So happy you did this, and you should be proud, as you overcame your fear and as you could see, people are very friendly and appriciative here! :) I am learning a lot by reading the answers, so once again, thanks. I am over thirty and really wished to know more people around my age or above.

How old are you now?          32


When did you start?

As far as I can remember, I always did this. Maybe because of my abusive parents - my childhood was extremely chaotic and sadly, it continued. I became a lonely teen, separated from my brother, and a sad and angry adult.

I would say DDs were definitely a defence mechanism for me. I had (and still have to) escape reality.

I would really like to add one more question to yours, if you don't mind: Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood?


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?

Oh, yes, absolutely! Finding this page blew my mind!!! (Also, I felt a bit silly. You see, I lived in my little bubble and therefore for a long time didn't even realize that the amount I DDd was not the regular person's amount. This isn't something someone just talks about, like...hey, how many hours do you DD a day....So I had no idea. Then I came here and talked to so many people in their twenties and they so quickly realized something was different about them...oh, well, we all have our pace when it comes to realizations I guess. :)


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?

Wow, this is a toughie. But I am glad you asked, I wanted to make a post about it too. No. I had a boyfriend, serious, for a couple of years, and being an MD made it horror. I constantly felt guilty because I loved someone that only exists in my head more than him. I was hysteric, and scared and confused. It was emotional terror. But, since I wasn't in love with him, I couldn't make my DDs stop. Eventually, I told him, and he was very understanding - but he didn't understand, he simply could not. It bothers me how people don't get it and they are like: oh, that's okay, sweetie, you just DD...they don't understand the effects of this on your life. But I know it, first hand. Eventually we broke up and I don't regret it. I made a promise, though. That I am never gonna date someone only to being able to say: I am in a relationship or I have a boyfriend. I know that I need to be passionate about someone in order to have a chance to make it work. Wanting to be present and sincerely have an interest, so that I won't drift away. But being an MD certainly makes it harder, as it comes hand in hand with depression, anxiety (in my case), a much smaller social cirlcle to meet new people - and I am a very deep and artistic person, so most guys I am not interested in, not even if they are handsome. And then there are the guys that are very intelligent, but not attractive at all...so, not easy.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?

I sometimes wonder...I always dreamed as a little girl that the man I dream about will one day find me (I know, it sounds crazy, even writing it here!) But soon I am gonna look too old for someone who never aged in my head...I think one day this will crush my heart. It's not gonna be pretty. I will possibly become so depressed that I will need medication. If I am lucky, I will find a real man to love before than and avoid hitting rock bottom. I don't know. I am pretty sure in some form I will DD for the rest of my life. It's simply how my brain is wired! I can DD about anything, so I'll always drift away like a balloon.

I wasn't able to stop for more than a few days. It did stop by itself once and that made me incredibly sad. I chose to force it to come back by concentrating harder on it. I did make some attempts over my life to make it stop but honestly - my life (and that is only me) is just so miserable reality-wise that I always simply FORGET why I wanted it to stop in the first place! When I did stop it once as a teen, I really didn't like the way I saw things with my new 'reality goggles' on. Everything was steril and white, exactly like in a lab. It freaked me out.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?

It did make me sadder but it's still hard to answer. It's given me a lot, a sense of wonder too. It is who I am. It also saved me. But the funny thing is: it made me much-much sadder as a teen. Like from 13 when it REALLY kicked in. I had constant battles in me, questioning my sanity, having no-one to turn to (because I did not know back then that this was a thing), it isolated me and it also pretty much was like a drug to me. But these battles, inner wars kind of calmed later on in my life. I am trying to accept it and create some sort of balance. I am not judging myself that hard anymore, just try to be cool and accepting. It is still incredibly hard and I need to sweep a lot of things under the carpet, but...there's not much else or better I can do.

About you additional question:

Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood? I didn´t have abusive parents but I did have a horrible childhood. My mother was schizophrenic, she was a very loving mother, but she had that condition, even though she did the best she could, but it was tough to see her bering more and more deteriorated.

My father was very loving and caring, too, but he was a gambler and that led my family to live in poverty.

I don´t have brothers nor sisters and always have had just a few friends, I was/am very lonely and socially phobic.

I was bullied harshly at school during all my childhood and teenage years and that was one of the things that affected me the more and made me a resentful person.



Pathfinder said:

Hi!

Like others, I am very grateful for your post! So happy you did this, and you should be proud, as you overcame your fear and as you could see, people are very friendly and appriciative here! :) I am learning a lot by reading the answers, so once again, thanks. I am over thirty and really wished to know more people around my age or above.

How old are you now?          32


When did you start?

As far as I can remember, I always did this. Maybe because of my abusive parents - my childhood was extremely chaotic and sadly, it continued. I became a lonely teen, separated from my brother, and a sad and angry adult.

I would say DDs were definitely a defence mechanism for me. I had (and still have to) escape reality.

I would really like to add one more question to yours, if you don't mind: Did you have a trigger (bad, violent, abusive) experience as a child? Did you have a horrible childhood?


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this?

Oh, yes, absolutely! Finding this page blew my mind!!! (Also, I felt a bit silly. You see, I lived in my little bubble and therefore for a long time didn't even realize that the amount I DDd was not the regular person's amount. This isn't something someone just talks about, like...hey, how many hours do you DD a day....So I had no idea. Then I came here and talked to so many people in their twenties and they so quickly realized something was different about them...oh, well, we all have our pace when it comes to realizations I guess. :)


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)?

Wow, this is a toughie. But I am glad you asked, I wanted to make a post about it too. No. I had a boyfriend, serious, for a couple of years, and being an MD made it horror. I constantly felt guilty because I loved someone that only exists in my head more than him. I was hysteric, and scared and confused. It was emotional terror. But, since I wasn't in love with him, I couldn't make my DDs stop. Eventually, I told him, and he was very understanding - but he didn't understand, he simply could not. It bothers me how people don't get it and they are like: oh, that's okay, sweetie, you just DD...they don't understand the effects of this on your life. But I know it, first hand. Eventually we broke up and I don't regret it. I made a promise, though. That I am never gonna date someone only to being able to say: I am in a relationship or I have a boyfriend. I know that I need to be passionate about someone in order to have a chance to make it work. Wanting to be present and sincerely have an interest, so that I won't drift away. But being an MD certainly makes it harder, as it comes hand in hand with depression, anxiety (in my case), a much smaller social cirlcle to meet new people - and I am a very deep and artistic person, so most guys I am not interested in, not even if they are handsome. And then there are the guys that are very intelligent, but not attractive at all...so, not easy.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time?

I sometimes wonder...I always dreamed as a little girl that the man I dream about will one day find me (I know, it sounds crazy, even writing it here!) But soon I am gonna look too old for someone who never aged in my head...I think one day this will crush my heart. It's not gonna be pretty. I will possibly become so depressed that I will need medication. If I am lucky, I will find a real man to love before than and avoid hitting rock bottom. I don't know. I am pretty sure in some form I will DD for the rest of my life. It's simply how my brain is wired! I can DD about anything, so I'll always drift away like a balloon.

I wasn't able to stop for more than a few days. It did stop by itself once and that made me incredibly sad. I chose to force it to come back by concentrating harder on it. I did make some attempts over my life to make it stop but honestly - my life (and that is only me) is just so miserable reality-wise that I always simply FORGET why I wanted it to stop in the first place! When I did stop it once as a teen, I really didn't like the way I saw things with my new 'reality goggles' on. Everything was steril and white, exactly like in a lab. It freaked me out.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get?

It did make me sadder but it's still hard to answer. It's given me a lot, a sense of wonder too. It is who I am. It also saved me. But the funny thing is: it made me much-much sadder as a teen. Like from 13 when it REALLY kicked in. I had constant battles in me, questioning my sanity, having no-one to turn to (because I did not know back then that this was a thing), it isolated me and it also pretty much was like a drug to me. But these battles, inner wars kind of calmed later on in my life. I am trying to accept it and create some sort of balance. I am not judging myself that hard anymore, just try to be cool and accepting. It is still incredibly hard and I need to sweep a lot of things under the carpet, but...there's not much else or better I can do.

Hello; I'm 38 years old and I was blown away be the comparisons on what I go through with my day dreaming and the words of others with similar thoughts, I started day dreaming at a young age, I must have been about 9 or 10 years old, I'm sure it started as an escape from an abusive alcoholic father, and a very chaotic home life, when I was a kid I would use hand movements to accompany my fantasy, which usually revolved around fantasy and video games at the time.  I would make up stories to go with semi fictional characters based on real life fiction.  I stopped doing that after a few years do to my view point on those actions being weird and not fitting into what a socially acceptable norm is, but my dreams still continued.

Honestly I thought it was just a normal process, I never talked about it to anyone, and I figured everybody day dreams, because everyone has some inclination towards imagination.  However, when I found a case study of MD and an online community the maladaptive aspect of day dreaming made me realize just how much of a struggle I've have had with pulling myself out of vague thought and into the real world.

This has caused problems with school, I did graduate college, but in class I would zone out and lose track of what the teacher was saying for maybe up to five minutes at a time, and I would have to pull my self back to reality several times in class.

In my job I lose focus, I zone out and sometimes miss important details, this never fully causes me to fail, but often it leads to under performance and sometimes a castigation do to loss of productivity.

I'm single at the age of 38, I've had great relationships, well at least at the time, in my 20's but once I hit my third decade in life I stopped dating, I don't really try anymore, and I think it might be due to me not being present in the here and now, I have vivid imaginations that seem to replace real world relationships, and when I'm in a social group I've been told I go in and out of it, one minute I'm present then maybe five minutes later I zone out and miss everything that has been said.

I always justified these behaviors because compared to the fiction inside my own mind people are rather boring, and it also might be a control issue, the characters sometimes based off real life people are entirely fictional and can be completely controlled inside the imagination and that limits the uncertainty of socializing with other people.

I don't really know if this has made me happier or sadder.  Sometimes I'm happy with my life and at other times not so much, I feel like now my life has been very lonely for a good number of years, and I'm uncertain if I should lie the blame at maladaptive day dreaming.

Hi, I'm 50 now and are so glad to find other people on here that have also had this for a very long time. I started daydreaming at around 4 years. I did get married young and are still married. I now have two grown children and they both have MDD as well. Since they both still live at home we have a very interesting home life to say the least!!  We are all very creative with extremely well developed imaginations. I spend virtually my entire day daydreaming. Because I have done this all my live, I don't know who tho live any other way. It is part of who I am. I feel as tho it is part of my DNA. Yes, It has influenced mine and my children's lives. Mostly good. I do battle to stick to things. I do get lost sometimes for hours but have found ways around it. I daydream even when I'm working, doing everyday tasks, sometimes even while in the company of others. Like I said. I daydream almost non-stop. I do have times that I which I could stop, but they are in the minority. Once you learn how to weave it into your daily existence it becomes less of a problem. NO, except for my Husband and kids, no one ells knows about it. I don't want anyone to know either, I am very private and protective about it. I do NOT want it to go away because it enriches my life, helps me cope with everyday stress, and it keeps me from going mad!! I absolutely  HATE  being an adult!!  My fantasies helps me to stay young and aids me to live in a reality that I find excessively soul destroying and extremely boring and limiting. I simply cannot be alive without my MDD... If I was forced to stop I would slip into very deep depression and probably not see the point to continue living my life. It would be like trying to live without being able to breathe. I know this might come across a bit drastic but for me, MDD is part of who I am.

 

I'm a little late to this discussion, but I wanted to throw in my response. I'm glad I found your post. This is my first post, and it has been a relief to read through these experiences that are so similar to mine. I really thought I was alone until recently. My answers are a little short. I'm still trying to figure out how much of this I'm comfortable sharing with people.

How old are you now? 40


When did you start? When I was 8.


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this? Yes, until I came across an article a couple years ago. I think it was in The Atlantic.


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)? No.


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time? I've never been able to stop for more than a few hours at a time. Maybe a day, tops. I don't expect to stop, but I'm working on controlling it and trying to engage in the "real world" more.


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get? I think MD has made me unhappy overall, because it has gotten in the way of so many things that I wanted in life. However, now that it's an integral part of me, it does give me a way to ignore my misery.

Hi!

I'm 35 years old and started MD'ing around age 6.

At first I was really worried about this being abnormal and was scared of others finding out about it, maybe because my daydreams felt pretty wrong or weird. I wondered whether others daydreamt like this too or whether I was somehow abnormal and the only one. As I got older I stopped worrying about it.

I've been married for 14 years and my daydreaming hasn't had any major effects on our relationship, but I do sometimes find it frustrating when I have too little alone time to daydream in peace without sparking questions. We don't have any kids.

I've never tried to stop daydreaming. I'm okay with my MD and think I'd miss it terribly if I stopped, so I doubt I ever will.

My MD helps me cope with my life and get through rough times. It's like a friend I can always count on when real life is giving me a hard time. I don't feel sad about my MD. I was afraid of it when it first started when I was a kid, but I made my peace with it a long time ago and don't feel like it's a problem anymore.

How old are you now? 38


When did you start? I was 13 years old


Did you used to think you were the only one that did this? Yes, until I made a really good friend who I felt safe enough to admit it to, and she told me she did the same thing! I was shocked. And then about a year ago I found out about MDD. 


Have you been able to have a marriage/relationship and/or kids in real life (along side your MD)? No. I spent so much of my life in such a severe state of depression and on top of that, improperly medicated, that most of my life has gone by in a blur. I'm still a virgin. Never had an adult relationship. Extreme weight/depression has kept me from living my life. Daydreaming is what got me through the worst of it. But now I am 38 and have no life experiences. :-(


Do you think you'll ever stop / have you ever been able to stop for a period of time? I don't know. I have never completely stopped, even during a few years where I was at my happiest, I was still doing it. Right now I can't imagine not doing it. The thought of not doing it is scary to me. I hope though that one day I will be happy and content enough to feel like I don't need it. 


Has your MD made you less or more happy (or sadder) the older you get? Sadder. I am very aware of all that I have never gotten to experience. It is very upsetting. Too upsetting to really think about, so I try not to. 

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