constantly dreaming of a better life and idealized people in it

[Hanna]

I have reached a point where really nothing in real life makes me happy anymore, the life I live when I'm daydreaming is just so much better, people are so much more caring and understanding in it.

This is my first time posting in the forum, mainly because I couldn't find the right words to type. A little background about myself, I suffer from OCD and panic attacks as well as Maladaptive daydreaming disorder. It's difficult for me to leave my home let alone travel anywhere, because I am terrified of having a panic attack on a plane or train and embarrassing myself, or worse, dying, being intensely distressed, or passing out. I have quit 5 jobs in 2 years because a) my panic attacks limited me from working and b) I always conjured up this ideal version of a job in my head and it never fails to disappoint me in real life. 

Case in point, my current job is at a doggie daycare. I landed it right after quitting retail because of my panic attacks. The way I envisioned this job was this: caring boss (so she seemed at first...) best job in the world. Here is the reality today after a month there: yes the work and the dogs are great. However, my boss is a slacker and blames others for her silly mistakes. She is inconsiderate, doesn't care if I followed protocol and gave her two weeks notice about the day I have to go to therapy and can't work- she tells me I inconvenienced her. In my head, I can be this tough person who can stand up to anyone, but the real me shakes like a leaf when my boss or anyone else confronts me. I work 40-50 hours a week. Most of my shift I start daydreaming at some point because I am too socially awkward to hold a decent conversation with my coworkers. I can only think about getting home after a 12 hour shift, getting in bed and going off into my world of daydreaming for good. I have already thought about quitting because my severe anxiety and MD has gotten so bad.

On a good day, I can be somewhat productive after work and do some artwork or write stories. The only good thing I have going for me I guess is that I haven't dropped out of University, I have persevered through that. I have persevered even when my artwork for classes isn't nearly as good as I dreamed it would be (literally). My boyfriend doesn't understand MD or panic attacks/OCD to any degree and just complains that I am immature and don't want to work, or his personal favorite phrase to describe me, "scared of everything."

I feel like I am stuck in an endless loop, depressed by the reality of life, but in my daydreams life is amazing, and I do extraordinary things. It's difficult to then face reality, where I can barely leave my comfort zone because of OCD and panic attacks, and am, as my boyfriend stated, "afraid of everything" I suppose. It has grown into this severe self loathing where even re-reading everything I just wrote above, I realized how much I dislike myself.

[Hanna]

hopefully if even just one person can respond I would be so thankful. at a lonely place right now in my life

[Lydia McKee]

honestly I don't have the words to say to make you feel better but I have been lonely before and it sucks. I know you don't really know me or anyone on this page but we all know what challenges you are facing and you are not alone. You can message me if you need to vent. What I can say is (hopefully you don't take this the wrong way) but if your boyfriend can't or better yet doesn't want to TRY to understand the very real disorders you are dealing with then he needs to pack up and take HIS immature ass somewhere else. As your boyfriend the least thing he should do is be supportive and be in your corner for what ever you face. now concerning your job and the panic attacks I don't know because I don't have panic attacks and I don't know what that's like but as far as MD is concerned, how I "deal" with it at work is to force my MD character into believing this is their job (in my dream world) this may not work for everyone but it has helped me stay focused. it doesn't really work too well when dealing with co-workers and conversing with them but it will help maintain employment status (hopefully). 

PS start loving yourself for the simple fact that....you want to. Be selfish with your feelings about you. It doesn't matter what condition you have or how other people make you feel. How you love yourself is all you. and from the way you described you love MD (me too).

PSS  your boss is a douche :)

[Juliana Fernandez Casas]

You work with doggies?? You are so lucky :) :) :) <3