Adult child of (likely) MDer mother looking for insight.

Hello everyone!

 

I found this site from revolution health. I first want to admire all of your courage for being so candid. What kept me reading for page after page on revolution health was how accurately many of the descriptions fit my mother, who passed away 13 years ago. 

 

My mother was often spaced-out and would be irritated if 'aroused' from her state. She was continually lethargic at home, but could get dressed up and be very social for 2-3 hours. However, after that, she would have to 'rest' for extended periods of time. 

 

She was hypersensitive to everything imaginable: sounds, smells, images, etc. Although my mother invested very little into her life, she expected great rewards and was devastated when they didn't materialize.

 

When things were bad, my mother would literally lie down in the middle of the floor - at our house or even at her parents' house. She would also engage in what she called 'uplifts', like turning on the music and dancing while staring at the ceiling. Even as a child, it seemed to me like she was putting herself into a trance.

 

Most of all, my mother would frequently say things that were, well, lies. 

 

However, from the posts I read, I don't think she was trying to be deceitful. I think she was telling the story of her fantasy: a fairy tale world where she was the perfect mom and she had the perfect husband and perfect children. There were no worries about money, and life never presented any challenges that were morally ambiguous. 

 

I've read about personality disorders and being on the schizophrenia spectrum, but none of those seemed quite right. It's always seemed like they were almost there, but just a little off. MD seems spot on. 

 

From the very brief description above, does the idea that my mom had some form of severe MD resonate? Or am I still off track?

 

Any info would help. 

 

 

 

 

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Hi, Avery.  That sounds very possible.  I don't pace, but a lot of people with MD do.  Same with the music.  I don't personally listen to music when I daydream, but that's really common.  A lot of people with MD do well in social situations for awhile but afterwards they definitely need to daydream.  Listening to music and doing some sort of movement are really common.  I have horrible sensitivity to sound and other stimuli, but I don't know if that's very common.  Other people don't seem to be reporting that much.  It doesn't mean it's not connected, though.  I feel like it is.  Maybe she just had a severe form of it like me.  

 

I think it's wonderful that you're trying to understand her instead of judging her.  Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.  :)  

I agree, this sounds very familiar.  I used to listen to music and "spin," in order to get into that state.  And like your mother, I enjoy socializing for a few hours at a time - so much so that most people I know call me an extrovert.  But unlike a true extrovert, I need alot of down/alone time.  Like your mother, I try to include my family in my fantasies so as not to separate them, without actually telling them what's going on.  It's a terrible feeling to try to deny these dream states, leaving one irritable, anxious and physically weak.  You sound like a good daughter.  You might also check out an article in the new Psychology Today, on the Highly Sensitive Person, whose nervous system over-reacts to all stimuli, as does immune system, adrenaline, etc.  They also have rich, internal fantasy life, which sounds very much like M.D.  They are 2 separate conditions, but I imagine there is alot of overlap; certainly with me.

Hi Cordellia,

Thanks for the info. It's really helpful to get some perspective. I think it is absolutely awesome that you are creating a place where people who experience this phenomenon can share and find community. 

Roxanne recommended that I read about HSPs, which I did. This also sounded like my mom. She couldn't watch anything that had violence and was not just frightened but genuinely terrified of 'creatures' like goblins or even The Terminator!

Also, I don't want to misrepresent myself. I think some of the things my mom did were wrong. So I guess in that way, I am judging her. However, I never felt a sense of ill-will or maliciousness on my mom's part. Yes, I felt like she was trying to avoid responsibility, but I think it stemmed from deep feelings of shame and inadequacy.

To me, it was like someone who always had a broken leg that hadn't been attended to. Can't really be a good parent if you are hobbled and in excruciating pain. I'm not saying that's correct; I'm just saying it's the way I look at it. 

I have one more question that I think your bird's eye view would help with: I gain a sense that, for MDers, the internal world is a world of work. That this is where people invest their time and efforts. If I'm looking at this right (and please tell me if I'm wrong), do people get a sense of accomplishment or some feeling of satisfaction from this?

It seems like more than just an escape from reality.

 

 

 



Cordellia Amethyste Rose said:

Hi, Avery.  That sounds very possible.  I don't pace, but a lot of people with MD do.  Same with the music.  I don't personally listen to music when I daydream, but that's really common.  A lot of people with MD do well in social situations for awhile but afterwards they definitely need to daydream.  Listening to music and doing some sort of movement are really common.  I have horrible sensitivity to sound and other stimuli, but I don't know if that's very common.  Other people don't seem to be reporting that much.  It doesn't mean it's not connected, though.  I feel like it is.  Maybe she just had a severe form of it like me.  

 

I think it's wonderful that you're trying to understand her instead of judging her.  Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.  :)  

Hi Roxanne,

Thanks for the recommendation to read about HSPs. As I wrote in response to Cordellia, a lot of it sounded familiar to me. 

The way you describe your internal world sounds a lot like my mom's. She was always described by others as outgoing - a 'social butterfly'. Also, the anxiety and fatigue are familiar.

I'm probably not a typical person, but I think I would have liked to have known the truth from my mom. Even if it meant for her to say that she had a fantasy version of me in her head that she preferred to the real me (I sort of suspected this anyway).

This internal world sounds like a place that is both comforting but also exasperating because you feel like you have to hide this big part of who you are and how you are experiencing life. 

Finally, thanks for writing that I seem like a good daughter. To the best of my recollection, no one has ever said anything like that to me before. I had to pick up a lot of the slack for my mom when I was growing up, from remembering important events to comforting her when she sobbed in my lap. However, I was often criticized for not doing enough for my mom. 

I imagine you already know this from being here for a while, but your words really do have the power to heal - even for a total stranger. Again, thank you. 


roxanne said:

I agree, this sounds very familiar.  I used to listen to music and "spin," in order to get into that state.  And like your mother, I enjoy socializing for a few hours at a time - so much so that most people I know call me an extrovert.  But unlike a true extrovert, I need alot of down/alone time.  Like your mother, I try to include my family in my fantasies so as not to separate them, without actually telling them what's going on.  It's a terrible feeling to try to deny these dream states, leaving one irritable, anxious and physically weak.  You sound like a good daughter.  You might also check out an article in the new Psychology Today, on the Highly Sensitive Person, whose nervous system over-reacts to all stimuli, as does immune system, adrenaline, etc.  They also have rich, internal fantasy life, which sounds very much like M.D.  They are 2 separate conditions, but I imagine there is alot of overlap; certainly with me.
Hi again, Avery.  Thanks for your kind words.  In reference to your mom's vision of you: almost no one from real life is in my day dreams, and this seems typical of many people writing here.  I adore the "real" people in my life; I have the most awesome husband.  We chose not to have kids.  I just need too much down time for that.  I don't know if MD'ers make successful parents.  It is so interesting to hear from a family member, to get your perspective.  I probably don't acknowledge to myself how absent I am from people in my life.  Many people on this site struggle with whether to tell significant others in their life.  We really need to hear more from family/friends.  I bet alot would prefer to know the truth.  But back to my original point, your mother probably loved & appreciated you just the way you were, with no desire to change you.  I would bet on that.  Thanks so much for joining us here; I hope you stay and add your insights and ask your questions.

Hi Roxanne, thanks for your response. I do think that most loved ones would prefer to know the truth. However, I think there would probably be some hurt and maybe even jealousy in the beginning. Also, having a name for MD and being able to show that there are many others who have it would really help people understand. 

I use my imagination a lot. But it seems like for MDers it is either involuntary (Cordellia made an analogy to being addicted to drugs/alcohol and I've read about others who are 'triggered' by things like TV) or it is excessive to the point of interfering with other aspects of life. 

We all dream. We all daydream. We all imagine. I would think that MDers would be afraid of being rejected by loved ones or deemed 'childish'. But maybe the onus is on non-MDers to acknowledge that this phenomenon is not unfamiliar to us. It is simply at the extreme end of a continuum that all of us are on. 

I would be more than happy to answer any questions that others in the forum might have. I do feel like a bit of an interloper as this place is ultimately for other MDers to find safe harbor. But words cannot express how relieved I am to have found this. 

 

I am so much like this and in fact it's why I don't have kids. I deal with anxiety and depression along withivi g in a dream world and I will lay in bed or  on the floor even at my parents house and I'm 32! I don't think it would be fair to kids for someone who's so "absent" in life, my husband and family think I need a lot of rest, etc because of anxiety but most of the time I just want to be alone in my dream world.

I am also like your mom in the sense that everything is ideal in my head and sometimes I wish my real life had the same things and occasionally it makes me fell resentful. I don't put a lot of effort into life right now and I know that's why I'm not exactly reaping any benefits but it still sucks sometimes. Hope this info helps!

Hi Tx Belle!

(Is the TX for Texas? I'm in San Antonio.)

Thanks for your input. It totally helps. My mom had a lot of anxiety and depression, too.

Can I ask you a question? Do you feel resentful toward the people around you for not making your dream world come true? Or is it just more like disappointment because the dream world is ideal and the real world is messy?

If you're not comfortable to answer, that's okay. I appreciate the reply.  

BTW, I like your avatar.

-Avery

Yes its TX for Texas and Im in San Antonio too lol

Sometimes I do feel resentful because I dont have a certain ammount of money or the sort of jobs I dream up, etc and when this is a family issue I do feel a little upset about the situation but I dont let that show. They know I space out and stuff but they dont know to what extent so Im pretty sure they dont know that sometimes I get upset. I do feel really disappointed in life though.

 

I just tell myself some of the things are so unrealistic that they could never happen anyways and other things are partly my fault like when Im not motivated in life.

Hi TxBelle,

I felt a lot of confusion and disappointment in my mid-twenties to early thirties, too (I'm 36). Do you ever think of telling anyone about your MD? Or would you rather just keep it to yourself? 

Hiya

Iv just been reading this discussion and I thing it's very admirable that you are trying to learn more about your Mum. I'm not sure how much more assistance I could offer, as a lot has already been said.
I tend to listen to music in bed when I daydream, but I can't have music playing aloud for everyone to hear, i use my iPod do that only I can hear it. Iv never felt the need to pace, although a lot of people do. I also couldn't openly space out in front of people. I try to avoid that, as nobody knows about my MD. If I get an overwhelming urge to daydream then I will take myself off to my bedroom to do it alone.
I do get very depressed about it. When I come out of a daydream, it's quite devastating having to then face reality, when all I want is to live, what I perceive to be the perfect life, which iv created in this fantasy world. And it does greatly affect my mood, I can be very unsociable if I'm going through an intense period of constant daydreaming. It's fair to say I completely ignore reality at these times. My real life will suffer as a result, because daydreaming becomes my main priority. I will be absent from work and barely interact with my friends and family. My family know of my diagnosis of depression so they put my behaviour down to that. However, the problem is MD and sadly I don't have the confidence to explain it to my loved ones so it remains a secret.
Having said all of that, I do love my family and friends dearly, even though I never bring them into my dream world. 
In terms if Schizophrenia, MD is completely different. Schizophrenia causes people to lose perception of what is real and what is imagination, so their thought processes are completely distorted as their two worlds combine. With  MD we can clearly differentiate between reality and fantasy, we never lose the awareness of what is real and what is not. Although I would love my fantasy world to be real, I know it isn't and never will be.
Hope that helps and I hope you are developing a better understanding of your mum.

Nicola xx

Hi Nicola,

 

Thanks for your reply. Every bit helps.

Especially the understanding that MDers are very aware of the difference between fantasy and reality - it just seems like there is a genuine preference for the daydream world. 

I saw a movie a few years ago called The Good Night in which a man meets the woman of his dreams - in his dreams. So he ultimately decides to stay in that world. That's what MD reminds me of.

I'm not saying that's right. I'm just sensing a deep level of emotion connected to the daydream world. The dreamworld may not be real, but it seems like the feelings are very, very real.  

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